Author: lancedjack

Week 5 Power Rankings: People’s Front of Judea Edition

Week 5 Power Rankings: People’s Front of Judea Edition

Through 4 weeks, Ben Roethlisberger leads the league in passing yards Patrick Mahomes leads in passing TD’s and Ezekiel Elliot leads in rushing yards. But even more unbelievable than that Cabbage and Caj are in the top 33% of the league. I wouldn’t be more surprised if I’d woken up with my head stitched to the carpet. This repulsive pair are sitting here through no fault of anyone elses. They’re actually doing this themselves. No more assisted living for Caj. Oh no, his wheelchair bound jam brain doesn’t need any help. Him and old bald Lieutenant Dan are here to do damage

As if you need any more sugar you hyperactive fucker. At least feed it to Cooper so we can rid ourselves of his bullshit.

1st Place – Samba’s Warriors – 4-0

I actually had to check the first ever blog (Which can be found over here) as a kind of throwback to the last time OneSki was so high flying. It makes for some horrid reading. Let’s have a look shall we?

He spent the first 12 games effortlessly pishing this league on something like a 9 or 10 game winning streak before it all came fucking CRASHING down quicker than a set of terrorist attacked towers. His team has recently crumbled like a crisp packet on a cooker to the most minor of challenges under the weight of Andrew Lucks incompetence and OneYoung suddenly unable to pick a starting 9 to get him much, whilst week in and week out his bench is a goddamn festival of points. From his draft auld OneSki is starting 4 of his initially drafted fifteen, for a net victory over Jimbo. Nice draft Kyzi  OneYoung.

Well one things for sure, I’ve not gotten any funnier. But has OneSki got over his win streak jitters?

2nd Place – Beast mode – 4-0

Here he is. The master draftsman. I’d love to be annoyed at him being 2nd cause I despise the cunt. I abhor the idea of him winning this league and his beaming big grin looking through the cup like a big disabled aquarium fish. But the fact of the matter is he’s like a son I’ve raised. I’ve watched him turn up to a draft with his cock in his hand and select the Seattle Seahawks defense. I’ve seen him select Dante Rosario. I’ve seen him select Teddy Bridgewater the year he shredded his knee to smithereens. What I’m saying is I’m watching him evolve. And it’s great.

3rd Place – Asked Madden – 3-1

Here he is. The human parade float. I can’t wait to cram a mini section on your back whilst the crowds of Musselburgh throw coins at your face. You massive buffoon. But nevertheless you are 3rd and have picked up win after win in spite of your arguably vulgar draft. Not to worry though because your wasted money on Doug Baldwin and David Johnson is being rewarded by an eager Joshy. I swear at this rate Joshy is going to grow to 45 stone with the amount of your ejaculate he’s gargling back.

4th Place – Hail cajy – 3-1

Pahahahaha what?! There’s no way this can be true. I’ve reported this as a bug on the fantasy football app so far six times and they keep telling me it’s correct but 20th times the charm. I’ve no idea how he’s done this because it’s not good management and it’s not a good draft. Unless… the year Kyzi draft for OneSki he made the playoffs and the year we draft for Caj he’s 4th? Interesting. Basically Caj every morning I wake up hoping you’ve died in your sleep and every morning you disappoint me.

5th Place – Shooting by Arrangement – 3-1

Take it you vulgar sluts. 3rd lowest points scored overall? Bothered my arse, can’t be taken down. I always was and always will be bullet proof. You can’t stop me. Truthfully I dunno how I’m managing this. I just turn up, put on the best performance I can and everyone leaves satisfied. With the exception of the losing party but who gives a shit about them.  This can’t continue and I somewhat doubt this is a playoff bound roster. But I’m still gonna ride the life out of till it’s downstairs looks like OneDex’s toothless mouth.

6th Place – Goulash Goons – 2-2

The Golden Chin. Resolved to sixth place yet again. I mean he’s won this league. The minute I win this league you can forget any effort on my part I’m going to sleep in a box of straw like a dying homeless man. You won’t find my body till the dogs have had their fill. Someone else will have to run it. And it shouldn’t be this cunt he couldn’t run a fucking bath.

7th Place – Bigger the Better – 1-3

Oh Blob-A-Blob. I feel really sorry for Kyz. He puts up his weight in KG’s in points every week and yet can’t catch a break. He’s 1-3 and by no fault of his own. He picks the right players, he just comes across boys on a hot streak. The problem is that’s the way this shit works so unlucky tubby but chin up it’s not as if your life is about to get incredibly difficult any time soon so I look forward to your sleep deprived decision making. I’m sure Montee Ball is still on the waivers.

8th Place – A Bunch Of Helmets – 1-3

See above, replace fat jokes with salad jokes. Life is already doubly as difficult as Kyzis as well so that really doesn’t play. Playoff team last year, no hoper this year. I look forward to him pumping me but aye that’s about it really. Still a useless ride into the bargain. Also has recently taken home the fantasy belt to someone incredibly unimpressed so you better believe he’s eating so much pussy he’s shitting clits.

9th Place – Newcraighall Nukes  – 1-3

Speaking of useless rides! This fat bastard is this years expulsion target. I’d love to fire him out of a cannon into some other country but I’m afraid there’s no product big enough. I’d have to sneak into America and steal one of their guns that shoot Pakistani 12 year olds from 800 miles away. But he won his first game at the weekend with, what I believe, is the leagues top score this year? So congratulations are in order.

10th Place – Top Shaggers – 1-3

This is a big fall. This man has only been GIF’ed once in this leagues history and he’s in danger of repeating the feat if his current trend of being pumped by five billion points continues. It shouldn’t. He has a good team. But he also has injury prone Gronk again this year so then again he may go down in flames. Owning Gronk is a big like owning a terminally ill dog. Everyone knows you should just bite the bullet and crush up forty paracetamol into his pedigree chum but you just can’t let go yet.

11th Place –  Deshaun of the dead – 1-3

One and three. It’s an odd position for Joshy to be in because if you add those numbers together you get his BMI. His teams awful. Like actually awful. Joshy resembled Greece in the draft. We all watched, the assembled EU and did nothing to bail him out as he spiralled into debt. Three tight ends later and two QB’s and we still did nothing. You are our great failure Joshy. Well some of us. Jimbo was pro-brexit so he doesn’t count.

12th Place – Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers – 0-4

Who Ya Got?! Week 4: Dirty Decs Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week 4: Dirty Decs Edition

So we enter the 4th week of the league and fuck me this is depressing. The hero, saviour and god amongst men is sitting in last position and you have the precummer from American Pie in 1st. You have the Goons winning top player trophies for starting a QB; how retarded can this league be where we give trophies for this shit? Ah well let’s get on with Who ya Got for the more advanced of us in this league (and before you say anything I am not in that group of Elders)

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Shooting by Arrangements vs Goulash Goons

This was pretty hard to not pick myself to take the clash match as I can’t wait to have this Golden Belt resting on my hard cock after pumping one of you bastards but I have to wait a few weeks for that.

Shooting by Arrangements and Goulash Goons are both sitting nicely on 2-1 and this week’s line up looks like it will be taken to the wire to start the separation of the league. These teams are so similar they have players playing against their defences which is like giving yourself a blowjob and swallowing (Editors Note: Is it?!) I hate both these teams: Davey for beating me early doors with some sort of voodoo luck and Goulash just for being a dick.

Goulash Goons, cause Daveys luck has run out now

A Bunch of Helmets vs Hail Cajy

Here we have the tidest man in the league. Rock hard abs, slick hair, a smile to brighten up a dark night sky, against the human blob, flabbiest of abs, not much hair and a belly to cover up the brightest of smiles. Last week Mr Sexy left the highest scoring player in the league on the bench and seems to be keeping him there. Where is the faith in consistency? A man of numbers doesn’t give a fuck.

Cajy left a sandwich on a bench last week but has retrieved it and eaten it. Fat bastard.

Hail cajy, Elliot is scoring high this week

Deshaun of the dead vs Asked Madden

Not writing anything here because Josh is a cunt and shouldn’t be here

Asked Madden

Newcraighall Nukes vs top Shaggers

Ape has found himself on 0-3, wow what a shit score. I suspect this is because he has a ginger, white running back. He has to get away from this white rule of superior colour and start picking some good players. His main man Tom isn’t doing anything for him.

Jimbo back from his holidays nice and relaxed, he has no stress and is able to look at his team and get ready to get back to his winning ways. Hope it was a nice Holiday sir as this week will bring that stress nicely back to where it left off.

Newcraighall Nukes

Bigger the Better vs Beast mode

Last team to write about before I look for a shit Gifs and frankly my dyslexia has had enough.

Bigger the Better – has enough sugar in his body to put Cabbage into several comas

Doofys Disabled Duel

Decatrons Dabbing Destroyers vs Samba’s Warriors

Samba’s Warriors

Who Ya Got?! Week 3 “We take card now” Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week 3 “We take card now” Edition

Kyzi won his Week 2 Tash Clash and you know what that means. The belt has now been stretched to physical capacity. Entire galaxies have been lost in that thing. You think that marble on the cats collar in Men In Black was impressive? Wait till you see the havoc this human sun can wreak on a belt. I can’t wait to be able to use it to now secure airplane cargo. Week 3 is an important week. It’s a chance to really put some seperation between you and the chumps of the league. Yeah, sure, it’s possible to come back from 0-3 just as it’s possible to fuck it from 3-0. But you know what? Ask someone who’s 0-3 if they’d swap and they’d bite your hand off. I know I’d rather be sitting 2-1 than 1-2 and I’m essentially useless.

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

A Bunch of Helmets vs Newcraighall Nukes

A second chance at title belt glory for Ape in a Newcraighall clash meanwhile this fight affords Doigy his first shot at title gold. I can’t imagine a quicker drop in BMI than the belt going from Kyzi to Doigy so that would be interesting. I dread what horrors Ape has in store for it should be win it so we can only pray he avoids it. The main reason for this ending up the Tash Clash is that someone is going 0-3 after this so it should be an absolute bun fight.

Doigy’s B&M Home Bargains roster has every opportunity to put some hurting bombs on fat boy here. Mike Evans against Pittsburgh should be rewarding whilst a DeAndre Hopkins against his own home team Giants might enter shootout territory and… oh dear… oh no Doigy. What’s that I see on your roster? Let’s all have a look at A Bunch of Helmets and see if we can spot the mistake. DeShaun Watsons rotund tour of ACL injuries continues with a plethora of mistakes but a defense against an incredibly poor Buffalo offsense should stymie any point scoring opportunities there. It’s looking good, dream big.

Take a guess who hasn’t taken advantage of the IR spot and is keeping an exempt player on their bench? Oh that’s right, it’s notorious fuck up Ape. Him and his massive placenta of a team are sitting in danger of becoming 0-3 and winless, adrift in the league. It’s up to Tom Terrific and his running back triple threat tag team to prevent any misfortune. I honestly don’t see this going well for the big fellow. A shootout for the Patriots would be an ideal scenario but he’s just not putting up the minerals. Dream big Ape. It’s all you’ve got.

A Bunch of Helmets to take the belt and crack it over his babies heed Dudley Brothers style.

Goulash Goons vs Asked Madden

What happens when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object? We’re almost about to find out as the large hadron collider connects with a large chin this weekend. Auld Goulash has a few stoaters in his side that fancy dropping large points but what goods it gonna do him if Sheep’s team of highly gifted toddlers drop another 600 point shellacking? Fucked if I know but let’s have a look anyway.

Goulash barely has any feet left with the speed at which he constantly shoots himself in them. He can’t catch a break. It pains me to watch Antonio Brown languish on such a team. He’s got the benefit of some of the best receivers in the league and yet he’s still 1-1? What gives? Goulash essentially has all the oil in an Arab shithole. I want to invade and smash and grab his land but I can’t do it without exchanging words with someone who looks like Bin Laden. I mean good luck to you, but seeing as you’ve popped DeSean Jackson in your lineup I can only imagine just how pitiful that’s going to go. Thanks for cursing my QB.

A Thursday night running back for Cleveland? That’s just cocky. David Johnson against that Chicago defense? DNP for TY Hilton? Tell you what your chickens are coming home to roost pal. It’s like how once every 23 years It is vulnerable in the book It. This is you. A big fat clown bleeding from every orifice just waiting to be put down. The only problem we’ve put all our hopes and dreams in Charlie Bucket from Chocolate Factory fame. I can’t wait for you to snaffle up some waiver running back with a name like Stewart Pearson and watch him become gold. Fat dick.

Asked Madden to perform his usual fat houdini routine.

Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers vs Beast mode

I’ll tell you this. If you told me Week 3 a winless league champion would be taken on an unbeaten Cabbage I’d have had you sectioned under the mental health act. It’s just not plausible to think that one of them has lost everything he’s touched so far (He lost to ME. That’s how bad he is) and the other has won everything (he beat ME. That’s how good he is)

Dec’s team is held together by literal dreams. I cannot see this going well in any way, shape or form. Lets have a look at his roster, how many people have injury designations…. SIX. That’s 66% of the starting lineup carrying injuries. Unbelievable. Rod Smith is still littering this roster by his mere prescence. Chris Carson and Royce Freeman. That’s his two running backs. His two STARTING running backs. At this rate Rod Smith will go in the flex for the weekend. Fuck me Dec’s how have you fucked it this hard pal. Myself and several others have offered you trades. You’d be wise to reconsider.

You don’t end up 2-0 by accident. Or maybe you do in Cabbages case? All I know is we have another boob not taking advantage of the IR spot and keeping TWO suspended players in his bench whilst moving players around. Do people forget we have this spot? Even with a missing Le’Veon Bell Cabbage is still romping games so I dread to think what’ll happen when he returns. But as it stands no one is safe from the Diabetic Destroyer. He’s hiding behind your couch waiting to inject you with insulin.

Beast mode to fuck up Dec’s pancreas with one swift jab. BAM.

Samba’s Warriors vs Top Shaggers

Ah, here we have it. Our annual 2’s vs 1’s matchup. Obviously Jimbo has never respected the two’s as succinctly stated by Samba at a wedding/funeral/christening. Essentially some event where that information was neither pertinent nor requested as he likes to do. It’s also safe to say that OneYoung doesn’t respect touch rugby or any variant of non-contact sports. So what they gonna do with this game?

Patrick Mahomes is the 2nd top scoring QB in two weeks. How the actual fuck has that happened.  Don’t get me wrong, the kid has a fucking cannon for an arm. He’s Uncle Rico come to life. I do genuinely believe he could throw a football over them mountains. Effortlessly. Elsewhere Alvin Kamara makes his appearance along with blood brother Michael Thomas. $9 Duke Johnson is now clogging up the bench but never panic. As per usual OneSki has Kerryon Johnson in his RB2 slot. I personally love watching him pick up a  heavily touted pre season running back and watching him explode. It’s great fun. Prick.

I remain astonished every week that Jimbo’s squad does the damage it’s done. I shouldn’t. It’s riddled in firepower. The WR5 and WR6. Rob Gronkowski who, admittedly, had a Bob Stott esque week last week but should return to form. It should all work on paper. The problem is the creases. Once you get into a flex of Tyler Boyd. Or a wing and a prayer RB2 of TJ Yeldon is when you notice how things can very easily slip up. The top looks great, but it’s built on a foundation of nothing but superglued labia. They’re all flippy-flappy. It’s not gonna work. Roll back out the two tight end strategy and pop Alfred Blue in there. Prove to the world it can work.

Samba’s Warriors to continue Rabs long standing tradition of haunting Jim.

Bigger the Better vs Hail cajy

It’s 2018 and Andy Dalton is the starting quarterback for a fantasy team. If this doesn’t give a clear cut indication of just how piss poor thie season is going then I don’t think anything will. Caj looks like what would happen if you shaved Kyzi and stood on him for a couple of days straight. Kyzi just looks like Caj in a wig on stilts. Yet their teams couldn’t be more disparate.

Oh Kyzi. If Devonta Freeman comes back (And he won’t) then your gonna struggle. Saquon Barkley essentially has the entire Giants hopes and dreams pinned to his massive thighs and your fantasy ones as well. RB poor would be the fairest approximation. But fuck me would you look at that receiving corps. Blacks. Whites. Name it you’ve got them both. All you need now is an Indian receiver, Gupta-Beckham Junior and you can complete the entire set. This roster comes complete with a porn star shagging backup QB. What more could you want.

Now we flip over to Caj’s team. RB heavy. It’s as RB heavy as it’s owner is… heavy. Zeke Elliott and Kareem Hunt along with Adrian Peterson. This team is riddled with past glory. Rushing titles abound. Essentially what you need is a time machine and a clue. John Brown is starting as your WR1. JOHN BROWN. Let’s have a quick peek shall we…..

You picked him up 19 hours ago you fucking tit.

Bigger the Better to slap this shaved chimp back to where he belongs.

Doofy’s Disabled Duel

Shooting by Arrangement vs Deshaun of the dead

Shooting by Arrangement

Week 3 Power Rankings: Anusol Edition

Week 3 Power Rankings: Anusol Edition

Like a 1940’s Polish train station this league is headed towards disaster. We’re trying to stop the sinking ship by packing the holes in the hull with chewing gum and spunk but there’s nothing we can do. Players are essentially useless. $68 for David Johnson? Clever stuff Sheepy I can’t see that backfiring at all. If only there was some kind of pre draft indication that this was the direction it was heading? Oh well, nevermind just you suffer through it. One thing that is fantastic is that by the end of this week someone will be 0-3. A three loss streak. Fantastic. Just imagine, if you manage to win three games in a row you’ll be at .500. In a sixteen week season you’ve taken six of them just to get back to default. Brilliant.

Poke it ya fucking pricks. It’s only taken three weeks but I’ve fuckin nailed it

1st Place – Samba’s Warriors – 2-0

Remember when this happened five years ago? He rode the lightning all the way to the playoffs and then exhibited the sort of stress headache and irrational decision making that’d get a lesser man sectioned, crumbling to Jimbo in the finals? Well, gee, here we go it’s happening all over again. A holiday in Greece and a tit in his hand and this man has become essentially unstoppable. Two double digit scores thus far and his own teams wide receiver and running back shitting points for him. It’s like a dream come true. All he needs now is a Saints superbowl and I think it’s a safe bet that he’ll jizz himself down to 12 stone.

2nd Place – Asked Madden – 2-0

Speaking of 12 stone it’s Sheeps birth weight. His mothers vaginal canal looked like that famous National Geographic photo of the lion after it got mauled by a buffalo.

That poor woman. Thankfully though she apparently gave birth to a fantasy football dynasty. This man has somehow held sway over the top four positions of the league since it’s creation. I’ve never really seen him drop very low and it’s very seldom he gets moved from atop the ladder, predominantly because we don’t have a spare crane.

3rd Place – Beast Mode – 2-0

Normally I’d slag him for being up this high but he can’t read so it doesn’t matter really. Two wins is normally a Week 10-12 dream for auld Cabbage and yet he’s made it two from two. There’s no telling what could happen now. Nothing is impossible any more. He brushed me off like a futile “No thank you” from a harassed woman at MRFC. He just kept coming back. Pushing through the clouds of farts. Personally I’m repulsed to see him third, but it’s early. He’ll soon crumble. You just need to believe hard enough.

4th Place -Bigger the Better – 1-1

The Fife Flyer back at it again eh. Fourth for auld Kyzi. If he keeps this up he’ll be playoff bound which, correct me if I’m wrong, you’ve never managed? So you’ve now got the chance to make it happen. To actually go the distance. This is Kyzi’s marathon. 16 weeks. Which is, co-incidentally, the length of time he’d require to actually “run” a marathon. I’m sorry to tell you I don’t see it happening. You’ll come to rue that Saquon trade as the death of your fantasy team and the death of your fantasy dreams. You better hope to fuck this kids entertaining, cause Sundays aren’t about to me.

5th Place – Goulash Goons – 1-1

The Golden Chin took a classic fantasy pasting at the weekend. Lets check what the NFL auto article writer had to say.

“Samba’s Warriors Throat-Punches Goulash Goons, Establishes Early-Season Dominance”

THROAT PUNCHED. These are automatically generated and even an AI that spurts out nonsense considered you to be throat punched. It’s a computer. It has no concept of a throat. Yet it knows you were shit enough to get punched in yours? You actually outscored your opponent at running back, which you neglected in the draft, and got pumped at WR. How on Earth? You remain an enigma which no poof can solve.

6th Place – Top Shaggers – 1-1

You know that way when, after someone has been sexually assaulted, they mention years later how they didn’t want to talk about it. They felt ashamed, dirty. As if it was somehow their fault even though that’s obviously not the case and their self disgust doesn’t allow them to actualize their emotions around what happened. It takes years to come to the realisation that it wasn’t their fault and that, given enough time, there was nothing they could’ve done. It was just a disgusting act by an even more disgusting human. This is what happened to Jimbo. One day Jim, we can talk about it.

7th Place – Hail cajy- 1-1

Holy fuck. Mr Heights is 1-1 and sitting 7th. People should be truly panicked if this is the case because, if the Chiefs and Cowboys figure it out, this league is doomed. Caj will run riot over all of us and we’re going to be powerless to stop him. My fat clone has benefitted from his “auto draft” with Keelan Cole picking up a 21.10 point tally and Josh Gordon languishing on his bench having notched up a Patriots free agency pick up. I can’t believe how much it’s all falling into place for him. The only way I see this being possible is if he’s been given gods powers. Caj Almighty. There, that’s your team name for next season for free. Also I like that you capitalised “Hail” but not your own name, you massive boob.

8th Place – Deshaun of the dead – 1-1

The heavyweight champion of Auschwitz delivered a knockout blow to our league champion at the weekend sending him packing with a 50 point deficit to consider. An early 27 point posting from AJ Green was enough to start off the rout and there wasn’t a lot to do thereafter. Honestly Josh is a bit like a marshmallow. Just bland and takes up space. We need 12 people to run this and therefore he exists. He’s sitting 8th and he’s 1-1. Outside of slagging him for his eating disorder there’s not much else I can chalk in here. You’re fantasy mist Josh, no substance. And yet you’re still above me.

9th Place – Shooting by Arrangement – 1-1

Here he is. Every epic needs a hero and here I am. Trying my best to fight back. I’d like to think I’m King Leonidas and I’m fighting back all these filthy Persian fucks to lay claim to my rightful land. Instead I’m Ephialtes. Hunched back, rounded shoulders, bald head. I’m wearing a red cape and leading them over the old goat path and that’s as good as it gets for me. Ninth. Fucking hell this is low. I think I’ve been bottom precisely once and it almost drove me to suicide. So hopefully I end up bottom again cause the only way I’m getting my name on the cup at this point is if I top myself and they create some kind of tribute to me.

10th Place – A Bunch of Helmets – 0-2

There’s absolutely no joy in posting scores that would beat everyone else in the league only to get beat by the highest scoring team of the week. There’s even less joy when it happens to you two weeks on the bounce. I feel for you here Doigy I really do but, at the end of the day, get yourself to fuck. We all have our major weaknesses. I love a doughnut, Josh folds in half seven times like a piece of paper, Ape is essentially covered in hair from head to do and Jimbo is 14 feet tall and can set sail in his shoes. Yours? Well because you’re a beef and feta salad eating, six pack owning, gym attending, hair quiffing nancy boy it means you’re doomed to fantasy failure. Sorry pal, just the way it is.

11th Place – Newcraighall Nukes – 0-2

Narrowly avoiding another place on the bottom is Ape. Owner of the Nukes and essentially nuked his own chances of success between a combination of hard boozing and retarded friendships. When you get a tick the doctor removes it. When you have a nematode, you have it removed. They have charities to stop the parasites in the waters of Africa. But what does Ape do with parasites? Gives them a bed in the spare room and lets them stay for several days at a time and pish wine down the back of taxi seats. Fud. I hope your fantasy failure continues. I can’t wait to hound you into an assisted suicide this season.

12th Place – Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers – 0-2

Who Ya Got?! Week 2 Bum Chunder Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week 2 Bum Chunder Edition

Congratulations must first be given out to our inaugural Tash Clash Title Belt winner OneYoung. The last thing I want to see is a photo of you starkers wearing that thing so that inevitably means there’ll be one on my phone in the next 24 hours. I can’t understate just how nerve wracking Week One was. You think you’re ready for this every year and you truly never are. You’ve got players coming out injured, players walking around taking a shit on the sideline and players taking a shit on the stat sheets in your starting lineup. I would love to say the nerves have settled and I’m ready for a second week of this nonsense but nothing could be further from the truth. Instead I’m faced with the very real prospect that I may have to take it up the arse from Cabbage which is a disgusting thought. Between our bald heads and our purple ones no one will know whats going on.

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Bigger the Better vs Newcraighall Nukes

Two players coming off completely substandard week one games and looking for a bounce back? Kyzi representing MRFC’s past, Ape…. also representing MRFC’s past. It’s all to play for here so why don’t we put on a bit more pressure and put a massive wrestling belt on the line? That surely can’t cause any additional panic.

I know it won’t cause any more panic for Ape that’s for sure. The man is in a fantasy coma. Anyone who watches RedZone on their phone cannot deserve a W and yet here he is in the Tash Clash. His team has enough promise in it and yet he’s bottom of the league. Tom Terrific captaining the side is a great bonus, as long as Ape doesn’t squirt water on him for speaking his mind and a 1-2 punch of Melvin Gordon and Dalvin Cook is something to be feared no matter what happens.

Meanwhile Kyzi posted the third most points of any team in week one yet still finished with an L. Not a great opening for a man who’s previously showed all the resilience of shouting “JUMP” at a man on a bridge. But he can bounce back. Like the average American teenager attending high school he’s locked and loaded. After shifting off his high powered Saints based offense he’s currently sitting with Saquon Barkley and Julio Jones ready to do arsehole based damage. I dunno if he’s got it with that. God speed Kyzi. You’ll need it.

Bigger the Better to take the belt off OneYoung and stretch it into oblivion.

Shooting by Arrangement vs Beast mode

Auld Davey taking on Beast mong. Just because I write about this pish doesn’t make me any good at it whatsoever. That’s the equivalent of saying <<INSERT NAME HERE>> should be playing for the British and Irish Lions cause he spunks out a match report every now and then. No chance. Nevertheless don’t let that little fact fool you. I still know more than Cabbage and his bandwagon Seahawks affiliation. He’s got all the gear but a change of defense and culture in Seattle should see him no doubt reaching for his local Rams outlet in the next Fanatics order.

After using all my luck week one to put a voodoo curse on Declans team I’m now staring down the barrel of a potential leadership crisis the likes of which Tory-Britain has never seen before. I’ve got to start a quarterback, the question is whom? My options are severely limited by the fact that I’ve drafted the equivalent of a sneeze and period mucus. My team is the proverbial tampon on which they sit. But my running back firepower should be enough to see me through. Provided I can pick the correct ones.

Meanwhile Cabbage is cursed by own his own hubris. Selecting Le’Veon Bell? Shrewd move except he was holding out WHEN you selected him? Did you think he’d just turn up week one? Wrong. Couple of injuries here and there and a couple more value selections not returning said value and it’s a shocker Cabbage even won week 1. But that’s the thing. He did. And if he’s done it once he can do it again. The Rapists Manifesto. So hide your toilet doors and hide your week 2 matchups. He’s coming.

Beast mode to do the damage.

A Bunch of Helmets vs Asked Madden

This could’ve easily been the Tash Clash. Two consistent performers taking each other on in what should be a battle for the ages. The problem is this shit occurs every year and it’s gotten a bit old at this point. A bit stale. This is Accies vs Watsonians. Who’s bothered? It’s just two toffs knocking lumps out of each other. Hopefully this game can be a bit more inspiring than that tepid affair.

Doigy is ready for war. Coming off a pasting from one of the highest scoring members of the league it’s safe to say his backs against the wall here. A win would be fantastic it’s significantly easier to return from 0-1 than it is from 0-2. The problem is he’s got to get past the rather imposing figure of Sheep first and this is a fresh Sheep. This isn’t 5 minutes into a game of rugby Sheep where the defensive line is an afterthought and his position in it more luck than skill. His budget squad of filth should get it done though. DeAndre Hopkins at Tennessee? I’m guessing around 400 points.

Luxury running backs? Rapist QB? Trade rapist owner? Completely average patter? Yup that’s a traditional Sheepy team alright. I cannot wait for the fucking wheels to come off this. It’s the only thing that stops me from ending it all is knowing that somewhere, somehow, Sheep will fuck it up. The one year he didn’t I had to be talked down by the Samaritans repeatedly. My phone bill was astronimical. I learned to tie elaborate knots, I had the knowledge of all local bridges. I learned that my car didn’t give off enough emissions to actually kill myself via hosepipe (That last ones true, it was a dark time) So I guess what I’m saying is that Sheep only makes my life darker. His success moreso.

A Bunch of Helmets to banish the Obese Balrog into the darkness.

Samba’s Warriors vs Goulash Goons

Both of these players ran away with it week 1. It was never in doubt for either of them. Both of them pulled out their enlarged clitorises and flicked them to 100+ point wins. Repulsive to see but no doubt delightful for those on the receiving end. There’s a couple of risky players in here and an even riskier trade on the behalf of OneYoung but let’s see how it all plays out.

With the trade now completed let’s just say offloading that spastic Barkley to Kyzi is a very shrewd move. Running behind an offensive line which I could’ve assembled from spare wank rags is a recipe for disaster and there’s only so long he can continue to make shit up off the cuff. But like a 1st trimester pregnancy and a bent coat hanger that’s no longer your problem. You’ve got Alvin Kamara ready to go to war at a moments notice. Patrick Mahomes as well. What a risk and what a payoff. We can only hope he keeps slinging bombs to his own team and they keep handing Andy Reid Buenos to stave off his diabetic coma (Sorry Cabbage)

He’s done it again. He’s a fucking savant I swear to god. No one would’ve willingly picked up Wee Jay after last year. No one. And yet here he is scoring two tuddys in his debut for the WonderChin. Outrageous. He single handedly doubled his touchdowns from last year. Meanwhile when he was on my roster I would’ve been better suited cramming Wee Josh into some armour and turning him loose. He’s also got a white running back so essentially this team is stacked with either Unicorns or Zapdos, Articuno and Moltres depending on your choice of mythology. Either way fuck the Chin and fuck his team.

Samba’s Warriors put this filth monger in his place.

Deshaun of the dead vs Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers

How can there be seven words in these combined team names and only two of them don’t start with D’s. I give up hope for this league. I like to think we’re quite good, above all this nonsense but we’re not. I half expect Josh’s team name next year to just be “josh” but it’ll actually be whatever MT decides to rename them. Meanwhile Dec’s team is just bogging. There’s no other word for it. Mongo.

How’d that trade work out for you Joshy? Doug Baldwin absolutely ruined after fucking the opposite knee to his fucked knee? Knee’s aren’t integral anyway. He’s just a nancy boy. How did you even win Week 1 by the way? I still hanve’t solved this mystery. Scooby and the gang couldn’t do this. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you sliding Kenny Golloday into your lineup. I love a bit of points chasing in this league. It’s one of my favourite non existent solutions to a very real problem. Enjoy his goose egg.

Six injuries in the first game of the year have caused Decs to face a very real problem. A waiver budget of $200 is not enough to replace an entire squad. I’d recommend speaking to the board at MRFC cause £50 wasn’t enough to replace an entire first XV squad so see what else they’ve come up with. Free gams for Man of the Match? A ride out of Audrey for a hat trick? God knows mate but you’ve not got the answer. Let’s see who’s fit on your squad to talk about. Royce Freeman….. yeah I’ve got nothing.

Doofy’s Disabled Duel Of Hell

Top Shaggers vs Hail cajy

Top Shaggers. #PrayForCaj

Week Two Power Rankings: Sore Botty Edition

Week Two Power Rankings: Sore Botty Edition

Week one in the books. We had absolutely everything. Injuries, touchdowns, leg breaks, 4th quarter comebacks, ankle dislocations and more spitting than an 18 year old late bloomer. Some results were to be expected and some came out of absolutely nowhere. I refuse to believe some of the sights I’ve seen in the league this last week. It’s times like these (and only ever times like these) that I am jealous of Stevie Wonder. But then again he isn’t even blind so I suppose not.

Let’s see how I got on last week with my guessing of the games. Not a lot of information to work with week 1 outside of the baboons setting their lineups and the drafting that they’d managed.

Yeah we’re definitely back. 50% record is deserving of one of these. I can’t wait to pay £20 per time to import the fuckers.

1st Place – Goulash Goons – 1-0 (158.86)

It actually gets worse. I’d rather push a raisin yorkie piece by piece into my urethra until I’d absorbed the whole thing via penis heat than see this happen again. We’ve never had a repeat in this league and, should it happen, we’re shutting it down. All 12 people have to win it before we’re allowed to double up so don’t even think about it Goulash. It’s neither allowed nor happening. If you win this I’m going to phone up Theresa May and demand she institute a Purge style system. Then again even if she did I’d have to make my way through the crowd of thousands no doubt gathered outside your flat.

2nd Place – Top Shaggers – 1-0 (140.06)

Speaking of repeats here we’ve got a man who’s tried to even repeat his team from last year. Auld Gronk eh. Given the rate at which Tight Ends are disappearing down the drain that’s actually quite a shrewd pick from auld Jim. 140 points to the good is a great way to open this league up but this is the way it’s always been. He opens up looking like King Leonidas, cutting people down in their droves and come Week 6 we’re throwing him into the big retarded baby pit. It’s the pit for you Jimbo, it’s just a matter of time.

3rd Place – Samba’s Warriors – 1-0 (117.72)

This is like I’m essentially producing a bowel movement, I look between my legs and it’s all interchained. Linked together like some disgusting fetid bondage device. Next on the link of shit is Rossco, who has essentially the same problem as Jimbo. Captain of roster mismanagement. Again, a great opening hand. But to continue this poker analogy Rossco is the sort of bloke who has 4 Queens and an Ace and folds only to produce a double six domino from his pocket and wonder why he just hasn’t won. Enjoy these lofty heights and, more especially, enjoy the title belt. I do not look forward to the photo.

4th Place -Beast mode – 1-0 (102.46)

I feel like Ashton Kutchers about to pop his head round my door and tell me I’ve been fucking punked. To the person sitting in fourth place he’s the new Jeremy Beadle from Beadle’s About. Got to remember the aged in this league. Cabbage has managed this in spite of Le’Veon Bells holdout which is even more fascinating. I have no idea how he’s going to break this situation. This is like when he gave his dog the indestructable chew toy and it had it fucked inside of about 10 minutes flat.

Chew Toy – Team

Dug – Cabbage

5th Place – Asked Madden – 1-0 (100.76)

Here he is. International fat bastard and panic merchant. Let’s see how his weekend went shall we?

I was lying in order to avoid what sounded like a very boring conversation. Yes, yes you are you spastic. It’s Ape you’re playing not a functional human being. He’s a knitted scarf. Needless to say Ape panicked his way out of 17 points and directly into a Week 1 loss. Congratulations Sheep on winning the Animal Based Nickname Title Belt. It’s just between you and the other tube.

6th Place – Shooting By Arrangement – 1-0 (96.04)

QB throws four interceptions and does not a whole lot else to make up for it? Worry not Davey because you’ve successfully spunked every single ounce of luck you once possessed directly into the awaiting gargling mouth of Decs. He managed to miss a whole quarter of Aaron Rodgers (And still post 25+ points) and lost Fournette, Goodwin, Devante Adams (briefly) and Greg Olsen. Don’t play me, I’m cursed. Rest your starters. I’ve made a deal with the Oracle and this whole season will be plague and pestilence.

7th Place – Bigger the Better – 1-0 (135.12)

Oh Blobby. 3rd most points in the league and yet you’re sitting 7th. It’s almost like the first year we did this. Remember? You couldn’t stop posting points and then getting pumped by people. It was a hopeless endeavour and yet you strived and made it out the other end with a massive photo of Talac in tow. Well, it’s happening again. Get ready to ride the lightning. I can’t wait for you to put up 240 points in the Doof Off against Ape only for him to shit 300 out of nowhere. The cycle is complete. Repeat Doof, repeat Dosser.

8th Place – A Bunch of Helmets – 0-1 (116.24)

The, essentially, 0RB strategy in effect. I’m obviously taking the piss his running backs posted points unheard of for any sub $10 player. He was unlucky to lose as he was taking on the might of Week 1 Jimbo which, I did, for 3 years. I mean I finished with a 2-1 record against him on Week 1 but ya know, don’t sweat it these things happen. I don’t doubt his power to come back from this. He’s come back from far more difficult spots including, possibly, the most difficult job in this entire league. So chin up Doigy, if anyones got the mettle it’s you.

9th Place – Hail cajy – 0-1 (96.32)

Here we are, a man who had to leave the draft because someone got vertigo from standing on top of their bed. AND HES NOT LAST! I mean that’s a success in and of itself I’d be taking that all the way to the bank. He’s probably already written on his wall in his own shit. His $125 investment in two premier running backs returned a grand sum of 20 points exactly. Jesus wept I didn’t know the total till I looked at it there and that’s just frankly disgusting. That’s as many points as you paid dollars for Adrian Peterson.

10th Place – Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers – 0-1 (89.74)

Injuries abound. His entire squad is utterly fucked. It’s like they’ve come down with chronic osteoperosis or an MRFC Tuesday when Kate’s wearing a particularly tight fitting top. Physio queue out the door and roughly 3 boys training. Not to worry I’m sure your previously fantastic work will help patch up your already sinking ship. That is if you can spell the name of the player you’re looking for. You don’t stand a chance.

11th Place – Deshaun of the dead – 0-1 (81.54)

Here’s a new game. Did Josh score more points than his weight in pounds. Unfortunately (for Josh) until such time as he successfully shits out a 30 point week that answer will always, invariably, be yes. Time to get yourself on the protein powder pal. Your roster could do with a bit of it as well. That’s Doug Baldwin dead. Don’t worry he’s very reliable once he comes back…. I’m sure you won’t come to regret picking up Amari Cooper as well. I can’t wait for his breakout year in 2074.

12th Place – Newcraighall Nukes – 0-1 (80.88)

Who Ya Got?! Week One Holdout Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week One Holdout Edition

With Le’Veon Bell seeming as likely to show up to training as Silent Tam on any given week it’s down to the depth of the squads already for some in the league. Just because you bought Optimus Prime in the draft doesn’t mean that you won’t have to occasionally whip out a rampant rabbit and hope it holds up to scrutiny. Some of the team selections and post draft trades (Yes, already) have been handled with all the composure of an MRFC team short a bench player on a Thursday night. Phones have been ringing white hot in an attempt to secure the services of various players and they’ve turned up some stonkers. Your Conors, your wee fat Dannys, even some James Murrays.

Thankfully for me now that I live abroad there’s no such thing as those disgusting raisin Yorkies here. Unfortunately for the eight readers they’ve become synonymous with Who Ya Got?! I’ll attempt to find a British shop but should that fail I’ll just find some other equally disgusting Canada based confection. Undoubtedly they’ll have some absolutely vile treats on offer. Mostly riddled with fucking peanuts. I can’t wait for that allergy to finally kick in and just finish me off. It’s about bloody time.

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Samba’s Warriors vs Hail Cajy

It’s 2018. That means it’s possible to become a bloke, a woman, a bloke again and a Vauxhall Astra in the space of 24 hours. Along with those sweeping changes and reforms it also means that every so often it’s possible to find Caj at the lofty heights of the tash clash. I, personally, can’t believe he’s here but so be it. OneYoung you better win this, I’m absolutely not paying for another four foot of championship belt to try and get it round Caj.

The Warriors are off to a flyer this year. Some very shrewd draft investments from oor OneYoung have resulted in a roster that would make even Danny D jealous. Google at your leisure. A litte Russell Wilson here, some JuJu there and $9 Duke Johnson in his flex position means this man is poised to break out and shit all over Caj. Which wouldn’t be at all surprising given that OneYoung has lost over three and a half stone of weight in the past 5 months. Off the roids or another simple trick? No one will know.

Over to a man who seems to have located whatever weight OneSki has lost and glued it to himself like some terrible arts and crafts, young Caj. Try as I might to take the piss out the man I still have to face the fact I’m staring down the barrel of a roster containing Zeke Elliot and Kareem Hunt. Bloody hell that’s an RB1/2 punch. Who else has he got? Who fucking cares? Jared Goff against a very leaky (and Khalil Mackless) Raiders defense? For a man who packed up his bag and left 2 hours before the conclusion of the draft in order to torture Afghani insurgents it’s surprising I even think he’s got a shot at this. But I’ll tell you something…

I don’t. Samba’s Warriors to post the W here and start the season off right.

Shooting by Arrangement vs Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers

Just look at the size of that headline. You couldn’t fit that round Doogies heed and that’s saying something. Last years championship winner taking on a man who I’d like to refer to as a perenial “nearly man” but is essentially just someone who tags along will the playoffs to give a bye week. A potential competitor for Tash Clash were it not for the fact that both of us are idiots.

Auld Davey eh. What can I say about my roster? It’s like a Ramsays Kitchen nightmare. I’ve come in, chef whites on, brandishing a knife. “Whats this shit you’re serving?!” I shout. “Oh it’s Dion Lewis soup…. it’s very popular” THROW IT OUT. TOSS THE LOT. I’m here now with sweeping reforms. We’re now serving Gurley Almondine and a lovely quail salad with Devonta Freemans big fucking head in the middle. Business booming, job done. I’m obviously kidding, there’s no chance this roster performs to expectations. I’d just like them to do a passing trade and there’s potential here. Thursday night players are never my forte and this one especially sticks out. C’mon Devonta. You’ve ridden me plenty. Time for me to get a shot.

Declan on the other hand has a bi-polar sufferer at RB2. Royce Freeman. Starter? Non-starter? RB1? RB2? It couldn’t be less clearer if he jizzed in his own eyes and took an eye exam. Which would potentially improve his ability to spell the word “graffiti” Look I can’t bash his roster too much. Aaron Rodgers? Yeah everyone has to get him eventualy. Leonard Fournette? It’s a dead horse being soundly beaten by Declan. Larry Fitz? Devante Adams? Has he actually managed it? In all his years of insanity has Declan finally managed to build a boring roster? You’ve changed.

Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers to bore us half to death in a pedestrian 100 point outing.

Newcraighall Nukes vs Asked Madden

This was very close to being Doofys Disabled Duel. I mean just look at the entrants. I can’t think of two people who summon the worst of my vitriol than these two. Every week I play them I have to drink a litre of peptobismol just to keep the heartburn at bay.

Coming in at one half of this 42 stone clash it’s the Nukes. Constant source of alt-right propaganda and general white power magnate, Ape has drafted Tom Brady in every year possible since he’s been in the league. With Ape in the league no one can get Brady. And with Ape’s recent performances it’s safe to say someone else will have him next year. I like his team, he’s got Melvin Gordon who I was high on coming into the draft but, since I didn’t get him, is now shit. He’s got Dalvin Cook my traditional injury case of last year. Lets hope that ACL holds up. He’s also got Danny Amendola in his flex in some vain attempt to recapture the Pats glory days. Give it in. It’s not happening.

Asked Madden. Baby Rapist. That’s all the headlines will read. No sooner was Wee Josh in this league than Sheepy crammed him up his arse and laid one gigantic repulsive egg of solid horribleness. Wee Josh’s Travis Kelce rounds out an already fairly stacked roster. My only hope is that Patrick Mahomes panics himself into hysteria with his first NFL start and throws about sixteen interceptions. Who’s to say they even have chemistry? Who am I kidding Kelce probably loves saying Mahomes. God only knows he’s been referring to his black team mates exclusively as “Ma Homes” since he came into the league.

Asked Madden. Buy a whistle. Blow it if he WhatsApps you.

Top Shaggers vs A Bunch of Helmets

Lowest projected points of the week? I know they’re essentially meaningless but it has to be a long time since that’s happened to you Jimbo. Doigy on the other hand looks poised for another one of his fairlytale cum tragedy seasons. The roster is loaded with talent and struggling with playing time.

The Shaggers eh. Won a ten man standard league on the back of a very ropey trade and has struggled ever since. Few boys have started saying he can’t run with the big dogs these days. He’s just a small puppy. I wouldn’t know, I’m only reporting what I’ve heard. He’s lost his touch, did he ever have a touch? Is he just a big fucking mongo with four phones smashing out rosters? Again just repeating things I’ve heard. I don’t actually mind his roster. He’s reacquired the services of sexual assault case in waiting Rob Gronkowski and his running backs scream “Value!” But is it enough to match the firepower of his opponent?

Speaking of his opponent, Doigy is back from another of his campaigns to set back 21st century gender roles by spending a day drafting whilst his all too accomodating wife runs around with their now multiple children to try and beat Jimbo. But can he do it? It was about time someone adopted a WR heavy strategy in this league. It’s been a long time coming. I mean, it won’t work, it’s just nice to see people try new things. If it wasn’t for people like Doigy we’d have no reverse cowgirl, we’d have no rimming. We wouldn’t even have the trombone. “No!” they’d cry “The trumpet is good enough” Here’s to you Doigy. Thanks for making new stuff, even though it’s shit.

A Bunch of Helmets to arrive home with their W to their kitchen chained wife.

Bigger the Better vs Goulash Goons

You must know my disdain for the teams in the Doofy Duel that neither of these cretins dragged their game down to it. With a new logo, a new team name and the same uninspiring, pallid chat, Goulash is here to punch his way through Kyzis’ entire 600lb body mass. Meanwhile Kyzi is trying to get his campaign off on the right foot. Kyzi have you ever won an opening weekend? First time for everything I suppose.

Kyzi has the sort of roster I imagine he’s dreamed of for years. Elite running back? Check. Elite WR? Check. Oh they’re on the same team. Try as you might you can’t get away from being an idiotic boob. Then again here’s a man flexing Adam Thilen and giving his WR2 spot to Cooper Kupp. How dare you? Or is this the equivalent of dropping Wallsy down to the 2’s to learn his lesson? Either way you’ve humped it. This is 100% going to blow up in your face and I for one can’t wait.

The Goons eh. Lets have a look at these running backs. Oh it’s Bubble Knees Jay Ajayi and white four year old Christian McCaffrey. Well isn’t that just….wait. Is that Antonio Brown? And Tyreek Hill? Who let him do this? Who allowed him to get away with this? This happens year on year and we’re powerless to stop the mysticism and ancient powers of the golden chin. That new beards fooling no one we know it’s under there. You look like you’ve got living room rug on your face.

Goulash Goons to win this one and I just threw up typing that.

Doofy’s Disabled Duel Of Hell

Beast Mode vs Deshaun of the Dead

This video says more than I ever could.

Deshaun of the Dead to win his opener

Pre Season Power Rankings: FantasyPros Edition

Pre Season Power Rankings: FantasyPros Edition

There are some members of this league who do not subscribe to their own mental faculties. They neither trust nor are deserving of their own thoughts. And these people use various sources in order to make sure that they don’t need to manage their own team. They are, in essence, artificially intelligent. And even that isn’t enough to sustain them.

One of these sources is FantasyPros and local idiot savant Sheep uses this website to save taxing his already obesity ridden body any further. Having already been admitted to hospital twice this year for emergency hog roast removal, a third time wouldn’t be ok. So his darling wife got him a FantasyPros subscription for their wedding and he now finds himself quoting the rankings of this robot, as opposed to trusting in the wisdom and knowledge of a man such as myself whos written an amateur blog for five years and hasn’t run a single ad. Good job on that ad money ya fucking clown.

So let’s see what the AI thinks shall we?

1st Place – Shooting by Arrangement

These machines are fantastic I take it all back. Look at this. Finally some recognition and it’s not from anything flesh and blood. The most I’ve been offered in this league in the past five years is a begrudged “Thanks mate” from Cabbage when I dutifully inject him with insulin mid draft. That’s as good as I get. So to finally have a machine appreciate my running back laden roster is merely the icing on an otherwise Cabbage proof cake. It just goes to show, if you just try as hard as you can for five years straight eventually an algorithm will give you a digital thumbs up. Fuck I hope my plane crashes so I don’t need to land and see that it’s all changed.

2nd Place – A Bunch of Helmets

This mans roster is also riddled with running backs. Except they’re far more gangrenous and unpredictable than the stable of veritable filth I’ve managed to accumulate. Doigy went in with an admirable strategy. Whilst we all played darts with three darts and tried to hit the bullseye everytime, Doigy went in with a pint glass full of darts and scattered them in the direction of the board. Quite where they landed is a mystery that only time can solve. Doigy spent a cumulative $49 on his entire running back roster of seven running backs. Meanwhile I got Todd Gurley for $68. I hope they inject horse steroids into his ACL.

3rd Place – Goulash Goons

Throw the machine out. It’s clearly broken. I cannot believe that Alan Turing was sectioned and chemically castrated for being a bender after inventing the Enigma Machine but the fucking idiot who invented this system faces no such punishment. They should at least be locked up and given the same penance as a registered nonce. I no longer trust any rankings from this point forward. It got the first two correct and then it derailed quicker than the average on time Scotrail train. Do not trust these rankings and don’t trust this man. I’d get his face tattooed on me and the words “Don’t trust him” if I had a long enough torso to fit his fucking chin.

4th Place – Asked Madden

Oh here he is again. Just wandering around in the dark always there or thereabouts. Remember when everyone discovered bees were dying off at an alarming rate and everyone went “Wait? As in bee’s? Like honey? But we see them all the time how can they be dying off?” this is what will happen when Sheep eventually fuses with his mattress and can no longer play fantasy football. We’ll be shocked he isn’t in these positions or league anymore. He exists as a constant reminder of the passing of time. His face growing more bloated and yet somehow more sunken like a worn down cliff face on a discarded beach.

5th Place – Beast Mode

This is the current holder of the aforementioned (by new American citizen Sheep) Le’Veon “lotto” ticket. When will he report to camp? He should be bundled onto a train and driven directly. It’s worked before. I do need to cool it with the antisemitism otherwise I’ll be campaigning for Labour soon. Honestly 5th place feels right for this time. Not much promise but just enough to keep his one message in the WhatsApp per week total coming. I, personally, look forward to his unspellchecked bile whenever he beats me.

6th Place – Top Shaggers

Mid-table irrelevance? So early in the season? This will only serve to enrage him. He spent the entire time during the draft staring directly at the blue light of his laptop damaging his already, frankly, unusable eyes. Watching him claw contact lens after contact lens into his broken eyes is horrendous. If only it was just his own eyes he attacked as Declan found out to his displeasure. It’s actually not even close to the worst team in the league and I imagine it’ll spring him out of this position fairly quickly

7th Place – Decatrons Dabbing Destroyers

And here we find Jimbo’s eye rape victim. I rocked up to training to find Declan looking like he’d recently slept on a heavily farted on pillow. His eye was red, swollen and leaking fluid like a post sex vagina. It had also had fingers in it thus completing this horrid simile. His RB2 is Rod Smith. ROD SMITH. I’m sure I have an uncle by that name.

8th Place – Samba’s Warriors

A little item slipped by during the draft that none of us highlighted and I’d feel remiss if I didn’t bring it up here because, frankly, it’s astonishing. We talk about picks that can win seasons and OneSki managed one under our noses in complete silence. Duke Johnson, $9. When he rings your doorbell in the dead of night and you answer to find him smacking you in the face with a large wrestling belt, let the words “Bobby Nelson” engraved in your forehead remember you how daft you were.

9th Place – Deshaun of the Dead

Ok here’s confirmation if you didn’t already believe the algorithm was broken. Three tight ends, two wide receivers and the budget control of Posh Spice on coke. Shadow Chancellor Joshy spent with impunity except all he bought was new Playstation 4’s for all NHS Hospitals and new iPhone X’s for rural church’s. I’d never seen a mans spending habits be so utterly toxic. And yet he’s at 9th. If you’re below this have a long hard look at yourself.

10th Place – Bigger the Better

Oh no Kyzi. Could this be the same as the last four years. All that effort, all those sleepless nights and look whats happened. You’re already structurally unsound. It’s as if you yourself had jumped onto the top set of bunkbeds and the bunk beds in this metaphor represent your team. They are coming asunder. The wood is splitting. The crash is deafening. But are you good enough to rebuild it? I believe in you but it’s gonna be fucking difficult when you’re mopping up shit with one hand and tunneling rusks into your mouth with the other. I’ll keep the faith, cause someone has to.

11th Place – Newcraighall Nukes

“Oh no Tom made me do a thing I didn’t want to” Ape succumbs to peer pressure like a 12 year old girl being told pads aren’t cool and she needs to start buying tampons. Either way he still whinges like he has a bleeding vagina. Watching Ape on Sunday during the draft was like watching a film on 1.5x speed. It was quick, sure, but it was rambling and incoherent and look whats happened. He’s only one position behind a man who had to leave about 5 rounds in. Good stuff Ape. I’m rooting for you I sincerely hope you don’t get the Doof. It’s a lot harder to kick you if you do.

12th Place – Hail cajy

Unfortunately Caj had to leave earlier because Batman was climbing out of his desert prison whilst hordes of prisoners chanted “Deshi! Basara!” and therefore he got auto drafted. Well as close as we could get to auto drafted. He handed me what appeared to be a hastily written suicide note which I’ve included below with his draft targets and the numbers he’d like to spend.

Needless to say 12th sounds about right.

The ’17 Season in Reflection: The Awards

The ’17 Season in Reflection: The Awards

You’ll be astonished to learn that you’ve now wasted 5 years of your life reading this and I’ve arguably wasted that much more by writing it. Years from now when I’m decrepit in my hospital bed with Alzheimers (Aged 37 if the head knocks continue) all I’ll be able to remember is who Declan drafted in the 4th round in 2015. My childrens faces? Gone. The joy of finally seeing Talac retire? Gone. All I’ll be left with is this fucking void.

Lest we forget what happened last year we all completely failed to uphold our bargain made with the gods and as a result Declan has trotted his fat arse into first place and championship holder. It should never have happened like this. Ever. He was supposed to be the idiotic one. Is it possible he’s been hiding a shrewd talent for auctioneering from us all these years? No. It’s far more likely we’re all fucking morons. Load up your gun, tighten your noose, sharpen your razor blades It’s the 2017 awards.

The MRFC Champion Award – Decatrons Dabbing Destroyers (Declan)

He actually did it. I said it above and I stand by it this should’ve been impossible. He was never even close to winning so much as a free condom at a health clinic and now he’s won the holiest of holies. This is like the Jews finally getting Palestine back. Or something, I’m not really sure how that conflict works. All I know is that I’ve handed over a crystalline cup to a man who Id feel very confident about putting a £10 bet on not knowing the alphabet the entire way through. To add a bit of flavour I reckon he’d get stumped around about M. M and N are just too similar for him. He’d fuck it.

 The MRFC 1st XV Nearly Men Award – A Bunch of Helmets (Doigy)

I actually feel very sorry for Doigy here. He should’ve won. He truly is the chosen one. My only joy in Doigys continued failure to win the league is that it so closely mirrors my own. Whilst he has untold success in his private life which, due to censorship rules around the blog, I can only say is rather smashing, his fantasy success doesn’t even come close to mirroring it. Second again this year Doigy? Or is finally time to pull back that foreskin and get to plowing? Only time will tell.

The “I didn’t meant to grab her arse” Award for Early Retirement – Peely’s Pricks (James)

He’s gone! Farewell our shit and useless servant. This was as inevitable as Sheep eating an entire cheesecake and vomiting directly into his new wifes face. He put in all the effort of a post-chemo handshake. I’ve seen 600lb women with more enthusiasm for getting out of their house than this man. Like David Cameron he won’t be missed.

The Bungee Jump without the Bungee bit Award for Doof Recipient – Hail cajy (Caj)

You deserve it. Next.

The Holly Willoughby award for Blandest Personality – Deshaun of the Dead (Josh)

Technically this hasn’t actually happened yet but this man is new to the league this year and he’s come striding in with all the attraction of opening a tissue and sucking the contents. He drafted with all the due care and attention of Rose West’s paternal instincts. I would highly recommend that anyone who’s a bit hard up simply exert the smallest amount of pressure on Josh cause he’d literally do anything when presented with a raised voice. Black up? Shit himself? Give you his PIN number? Literally all possible.

To those who didn’t receive awards, I apologize that I got too bored before getting round to you. You’ll just have to try harder this year to do something worthy of remembering 6 months after the fact. Throw a child into the sea in the Mediterranean, endeavor to commit a van attack, start a new religion and then turn it into one of “peace” like our other favourite ones.

Who Ya Got?! Week 13 Unlucky for Some Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week 13 Unlucky for Some Edition

It’s playoff time. Strap yourselves into this wild ride and prepare yourself for a possible heart attack because we have seven teams (yes that’s right, seven) that can possibly make the playoffs. Unbelievable stuff. We’ve never seen this level of parity in the league before. Most times we’ve got at least 2 or 3 people who are miles away and are untouchable and then you’ve got some limp wristed arsehole trying to finger open the sliding door into the playoffs whilst some geriatric old Clint Eastwood impersonator tries to hold it closed. “KEEP IT SEALED” they shout. Caj looks back, his eyes turning obsidian black, “No” he says.

Anyway lets see how last weeks guessing game of fantasy victories went and it went… Nowhere cause no cunt did it. Not to worry, no ones enjoyed a blue yorkie this year yet so lets just have a minging raisin shit and get on with it.

These are still repugnant. I’d rather drink a pint of Sheeps post exercise sweat.

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Bell and co vs Bigger the Better

What a clash. What a disgusting, horrendous, disfigured mess of a game. It’s like staring straight into a 1 week post pregnancy vagina. Just a mess of smashed together blood and plasma held together by the loosest of threads. Just bits of dangling flesh hanging all over the shop, the entire thing looking not entirely similar to the after effects an Afghani roadside IED.

Lets start with Bell and co. And let’s finish there.

Bigger the Better’s team is also a hot fucking mess. Boys were ready to sell their soul for Doug Martin and now? Christ you wouldn’t even be able to get my soul and it’s essentially worthless.

So why is this the Tash Clash if I have such disdain for both teams? I’ll tell you why. Because if Peely wins then there exists a slim, slim chance that he avoids the Doof off entirely but, even more importantly, if the stars align he can drop Kyzi straight into it. Now I’m averse to dropping Kyzi into anything because it looks something like this

But for now I’ll add an exception to the list. It’s acceptable to drop Kyzi into the Doofy Bowl and a vat of acid.

Despite all this Kyzi is very confident in his team this week so I’m going Bigger the Better for the W.

Shooting by Arrangement vs Beast mode

A chance for your beloved commish to stymie the current 3 game skid? Or the opportunity for Cabbage to avoid Doofdom via the continuation of his current 3 game winning streak? Good things come in 3’s it would appear, so in the interest of fairness it’ll be 3 points per team.

Let’s start with me, cause I fucking pay for this so small advantages will be taken. I’ve got some advantage in knowing that his QB and Flex (Thursday night player in the flex, amateur move as always) combined for 21.04 points which would be good if one of those wasn’t his QB. Then I’ve got to look at my RB situation. Jimmy G coming in red hot to help out Carlos Hyde and Rex Burkhead delivering white justice to opposing defense like his real name is Edward Norton? And finally? Oh you all know about finally.

Then we have Cabbage. Now in spite of his horrendous auction drafting and his repugnant waiver wire work he is shitting points. This 3 game winning streak is entirely deserved. His Kenny Stills is looking hot, hot, hot (See, comedy comes in 3’s) and his defense should thrive at Atlanta. His Duke Johnson is quite the darling of the lower RB’s as well. But does he have Josh Gordon? DOES HE FUCK.

QUEUE THE MUSIC!

Shooting by Arrangement

Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers vs A Bunch of Helmets

#1 vs #2. Who really fucking cares? I do. A win here for Doigy should loosen Declans possible grasp of the number 1 seed and, with the way things are shaking out, there’s a slim chance it could rob him of a much deserved playoff spot. Doigy, on the other hand, is fighting desperately to retain relevance in a season where he’s been Jon Venables-esque in the number of lives he’s taken. Except his is more QB focused than child focused.

Declans team continues its inevitable, Star Wars style march toward victory. Todd Gurley and Sean McVay is a partnership made in heaven and they look set on delivering a floor of 10 points a week. Leonard Fournette has recorded his first full practice since the Summer of ’96 and Paul Richardson is becoming a darling on the outside for Seattle. I honestly can’t find much fault with the team which infuriates me. Even a retard can pick the right outcome once in a blue moon but 16 weeks in a row? This must be an anomaly. Someone contact a support worker.

Doigy’s team is held together by spunk and dreams. Nothing about this team shouts playoffs and yet, AND YET, it continues unassuaged. His TE dream may be about to shatter like Geno Smiths jaw and Sammy Watkins is his usual boom or bust self. Danny Woodhead continues to prop up the Dame Judy Dench whilst Melvin Gordon preps himself for a tout with a top 3 run defense. Oh dear Doigy. For what could have been?

A Bunch of Helmets to take this. Either I’ve got a feeling or I love raisin yorkies. You decide.

Newcraighall Nukes vs Top Shaggers

This matchup decides quite a lot for these two franchises. Who can possibly take a playoff spot, who will look onward to possible Gary Dosser glory? One of these men is destined to die off in the wastes of irrelevance whilst the other gets a shot at glory in the arena. Or the more likely scenario, both make a cunt of it and neither goes anywhere.

The Nukes are here, in their new build, fitted kitchen, sliding door, veranda pish to bring down their reign of ignorance over the entire league. You know the drill, it’s Ape, he won’t read this, his bird controls his life and he has Tom Brady and LeSean McCoy. Anything else that happens happens by pure accident. His girlfriend has recently taken out a home improvement loan to surround their entire house in a farraday cage.

Top Shaggers meanwhile are fresh off a multi-week cup run of their own. Now that they’re back to their lower league Burnley status lets see how their fantasy cup run is going? Oh my. A shaky start all told but recovering is how I’d describe it. Think of Top Shaggers as a small injured fox, hammered by a passing Ford Cortina and Rolf Harris is nursing them back to health. It’s almost time for him to be released back into the wild. The question is, will the Cortina return? Or is Jimbo destined to take over Farthing Wood? Where the fuck is this metaphor going?

Newcraighall Nukes to sneak it and find out they’ve won on, roughly, Wednesday afternoon.

Cheeseheads vs Samba’s Warriors

A potential rebrand in the works the Gogs/Goulash drafted combo of the Cheeseheads is set to take on a man truly on the up. His trajectory could not be pointing further upward. It’s essentially like looking at someone being abducted by Aliens. There’s a massive shaft of light hitting OneSki at the moment and he’s entirely absorbed by it. Meanwhile Cheeseheads is being leathered by the shaft of Roger Goodell. They don’t call him the Ginger Hammer for nothing. In fact they don’t call him it at all.

Cheeseheads squad mirrors the Cowboys very closely. He’s got Dez Bryant, who’s pish, doesn’t hand Cole Beasely nearly enough work and the ban of Ezekiel Elliot has branded him a tosser. HOWEVER. He has Devonta Freeman back. He has Austin Ekeler (Surely the bookies favourite against a stout Cleveland D) and actually that’s all the positives I can draw. Devonta Freeman has a brain like Bill Duncan; massive, inflated and full of fluid.

Samba’s Warriors are rebounding like a classic two’s side. He’s seen the opposition turn up, 1sts on a break week and the squad is loaded. Meanwhile we’re sitting with wee Josh at 10 and some boy they just found en route who has a pair of boots. Turns out the boy is a scoring genius and Josh’s ineptitude cannot possibly hold him back. This is where we’re at. He’s pulling off win after win after win. Nothing can stop this man. No negatives, Goulash’s teams pish, this one’s quite good.

Samba’s Warriors to finally break their horrid streak of shite.

Doofys Disabled Duel

Asked Madden vs FORTE YEAR OLD VIRGIN

Oh Caj, the Chowders gone bad. But can you capitalise? I mean, evidently, everything you do is capitalised. But will you win this matchup? That’s what we’re here to discuss and hopefully find out!

 

No.

 

Asked Madden