Author: lancedjack

Who Ya Got?! Week 3 Fud-U-Like Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week 3 Fud-U-Like Edition

Week 3. We didn’t have a blog in Week 2 for reasons that are myriad and complex. Actually the reasons were I couldn’t get round to it past the Thursday night game and once that’s taken place I have all the energy of an elderly person who’s fallen the down the stairs, desperately reaching for the life alert button. So here’s your summary. Every quarterback who’s played in the NFL within the last decade is stone dead. All of them with the exception of the immortal Tam Brady, happily plugged into Davey’s lineup never to see the bench. Cunt at this rate I’m going to start him on the bye week just because that’s the belief I have in this man. But lets see how those with QB’s from the waiver and the bench are looking this week with this weeks Who Ya Got?!

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers vs Bigger the Better

61% Kyzi. 8 more percent and you’d have a sexual position he can’t attain without a drowning risk for the other party. Decs on the other hand sits second in the league and needs this victory handy to keep his spot. An arse skelp of Kyzi and he’d be loving life but if it goes to pot then he’s on for a potential skid.

Lets have a look at team Kyzi here…. post injury revelation Dalvin Cook? There’s always someone who appears from nowhere to be an absolute stud and somehow it’s this cunt. When the wheels fall off this guy Kyzi I’ll be there to bail you out with a perfectly fair trade but until then good luck to you! I can’t imagine a player who had a riotous first four weeks in the past 2 seasons before experiencing a season ending injury letting you down. That would NEVER happen would it?

I genuinely can’t pick fault with Dec’s team which is horrifying. Normally in years past I’d shoot holes in this like I was the average American high schooler but it can’t be done. Solid RB’s, absolute studs at WR. Russell bloody Wilson leading the charge. I’m now entirely convinced Dec’s has only the one auction strategy and he’s going to drive it into the ground until such time as he wins again or the dyslexia finally kills him stone dead when he misreads ingredients and smashes some cyanide buns instead of cinnamon buns.

Bigger the Better to crack Dec’s skull open with the belt

A Bunch of Helmets vs Sponsored by Lambeau

His own team’s QB has just hit the bench on a 50/50 lifetime game record. Meanwhile Doigy is on a 1-1 season record. Realistically there’s few similarities there but I’m reaching for anything three weeks in. MT on the other hand can’t buy a win. 0-2 and staring down the barrel of 0-3 at the hands of Doigys Dildoers or whatever his team name is.

Doigy is boxing clever with the old Mostert pickup from the weekend. Some would chastise, “CHASING POINTS” they’d say. To those naysayers I say “Wait and see till the results come in and then I’ll decide how I feel” With Falk at the helm the Jets are sure to spunk a shitload of points in the direction of the Patriots defense. Sadly Doigy as much as I’d like to criticize and deride there’s not much I can offer here.

Speaking of criticism and derision, we’ve got MT’s team. First things first, he’s rolling out the Brisket at QB which is panic systems but I’ve got TY Hilton so I’ll choose to believe. We’ve got 700 year old Larry Fitz in the flex which, whilst pleasant, is maybe one of the least attractive starts in this league. And to tuck it all away he’s got Double Sided Sellotape as his WR1, Antonio Brown. When you get it, you get it.

It’s safe to say A Bunch of Helmets won’t break a sweat here.

Newcraighall Nukes vs Samba’s Warriors

Always an enjoyable match up year on year but for once the fables are reversed and we’ve got Ape playing for first place here. That’s unusual in the extreme. This is the sort of thing Attenborough would narrate if he wasn’t half dead propped up by the hands of the BBC.

OneSki needs more from McAffrey this week. None of this 6.5 point pish, no, no those days are past now. Kid gloves are off, it’s bare knuckle stuff from this side now. If only OneSki had popped an RB in the flex with Lamar Jackson we’d be staring down the barrel of a four RB team. DK Metcalf with his less-than-a-heroin-addict body fat percentage is gonna lead this WR corps to a big performance on Sunday and I, for one, can’t wait to see it.

Ape’s band of derelict rejects somehow sit atop this league and it’s beggars belief how. Matt Stafford? He’s the travel lodge of QB’s. Austin Ekeler? Points bukkake but shouldn’t be anywhere near the top spot. Then you’ve got Odell Beckham and his stupid 14k watch wearing antics also having points diarrhea. I personally hate the fact this teams top of the league but I’m not surprised why.

Sorry OneYoung, I want to see fucked up fingernail Sauron defeated as much as anyone, but you’re not the true king to do it. Newcraighall Nukes to take over the Shire.

Top Shaggers vs Asked Madden

This was so close to being the disabled duel. We’ve seen this matchup a tonne of times and it’s total boom or bust. We either expect it to determine some fortunes in this league or we’re not surprised if it puts us into a coma. This one leans more towards the coma sweepstakes.

All I’m saying for Jimbo here is Pat Mahomes. Who gives a fuck what else he’s packing. Pat Mahomes is Pat Mahomes. Sheep might as well papercut his foreskin and pop off to bed cause that’s the only sensation he can expect if he sticks around to watch the 6pm games nevermind the rest. Mind you… Jets defence….. NO! Ignore me! Pat Mahomes!

Josh Jacobs lost 10lbs due to illness and the first time Sheep found out was me telling him. I then had to explain him the concept of losing weight ie the number on the scale goes down. He was positively bamboozled. I’ve had an easier time explaining how to do the slosh to someone with scoliosis. Fuck the rest of his team and especially fuck him.

Top Shaggers to do some shagging here. Sheeps got a big fat arse and a love shagging it says Jim.

Beast Mode vs Team 9

Nice one Caj. Still not quite figured out how to do the team names huh? All we did was change app we didn’t change what we’re actually doing you’d think we’d changed to fantasy hockey given how much this has bamboozled this doss cunt.

Beast Mode has sprung out to an early season lead before being brought back down to Earth with a left right goodnight at the hands of yours truly. He just couldn’t compete. Another tick in the loss column in the Battle of the Bald. But whats this?! The Battle of the Bald round 2. Cabbage vs the Pretender. Lets see you have at him Cabbage. Good to see Emmanuel Sanders has made the lineup for a change. Next thing you’ll be putting U20’s scrum halfs in the 2’s…. *Checks the club website* oh wait…

Caj, lets face facts. You’re a mong. An overperforming mong i’ll give you that, but a mong nevertheless. Every year you do something more and more to convince me of just how much of a mong you are. Scotlands streets are actively more dangerous with you on them if only because you’ve got as much chance of catching a freddo as you do a criminal. The only true purpose you serve is to convince people with learning difficulties they can do anything if they put their mind to it and you probably shouldn’t do that cause one of them will take your job.

Beast Mode it’s time to punish this mong like a panicking step mother in the 1950’s

Doofys Disabled Duel

Shooting by Arrangement vs The Goulash Goon’s

Who Ya Got?! Week 1 Holdout Double Dragon Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week 1 Holdout Double Dragon Edition

We’re baaaaaaaaaaack! I like to think that every year that we return Doofy just mutes my twitter feed but that would also mean he follows me in the first place, so I guess I can dream. In an upcoming NFL season where we’re seeing not one but two NFL running backs hold out for bigger contracts we didn’t even let Wee Josh get to the point of a holdout. Not even remotely close. Pretty sure the final hadn’t even concluded and he had been stricken from the chat and we’ve moved over to Sleeper to erase any history of him from ever existing. We’re Wee Josh Deniers. It’s so hip right now.

As usual this season began with our customary auction draft and there was some mighty fine pickups. Kyzi, for example, hibernated his way through the entire draft like a slumbering bear only to wake up, slam his fist on the desk and come away with a squad of players. Meanwhile Caj paid the most attention I’ve ever seen from him and has (according to fantasypros) one of the best teams in the league. Maybe this is the year where being fat and bald finally pays off. Oh wait no my squad is absolutely helmet.

Honestly I’ve no idea how this season will play out. It was our most rambunctious auction ever with players flying off the board. The highest price point we saw was $5 less than the previous year but that did nothing to delay the stupid prices paid for completely average players. $10 for AJ Green?! $14 for Josh Gordon!? Holy shit $17 for Calvin Ridley?! And those were just me. So fuck my entire life here we go again.

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Samba’s Warriors vs Top Shaggers

This game was picked only by virtue of being apparently the closest one that Sleeper predicts. In the green corner we’ve got Jimmy on a 48% win chance. For the mathematically inclined among you that leaves OneSki with a 52% win chance. As you can see, tight as arse cheeks. Or at least on paper. In reality however Jim has managed to parlay his $200 budget into the sort of shopping spree that would make Dale Winton shit out his gerbils. Travis Kelce? Got him. What about Zach Ertz? Oh he’s here too. Okay… wait… Jimmy Graham? Why?! I wish Jim had picked up Tyler Eifert if only to have an “Island of Misfit Toys” motif to his fantasy team, but alas it wasn’t to be.

OneSki is sitting fairly pretty on a ground game comprised of Christian McAffrey and Mark Ingram. Not to be done with that though, he’s got Lamar Jackson in the mixer as well because why accumulate passing yards when Rushing Yards are where it is. I feel like Vince McMahon looking over this roster.

Except for rushing yards instead of abhorrent contracts for wrestlers. That rather unique diatribe aside I’m sure this roster will in no way come round to bite OneSki in the arse. Fool you fourteen times, shame on them right?

Jim on the other hand well, as described above, has more tight ends than CC Blooms. And whilst this points mean prizes approach may just pan out given his strengths elsewhere, long time readers of this blog (All 3 of you) will know we value running backs above all else and jesus wept Jim these are your worst crop yet. Sony Michel and Peyton Barber and then just a bunch of magicians illusions on the bench. I still think you’ll do okay. Pat Mahomes is there for you, as is Juju. But when Week 10 swings around? It’s the danger zone for you young man.

Can’t see past Samba’s Warriors here

Shooting By Arrangement vs BELLEND

Bell end by nature and finally bell end by name. Caj was like a tsunami this year except he swept up a bunch of African American NFL players and zero tiny Asian people. Meanwhile I panicked my way into an early grave and perhaps the least thin on the ground WR core since Caj’s 2010 hairline. I maintain my team is fixable but technically the twin towers were fixable. They just had to be destroyed and rebuilt and maybe that’s what these boys need. Not too sure.

Caj has a team consisting of Saquon Barkley and Leonard Fournette and anything else I said at this point would merely be the gold leaf atop the already glistening bar of solid fuck that Caj has laid at my feet for Week 1. I can only take solace in the fact that even the slightest injury to any of his starters leaves him bereft of options. He has all the depth of a drained bath. Sure a toddler can still drown in it, but they’d be hard pushed!

Speaking of drained, we’ve got my team. A shit show for certain including the drafting of $3 Tom Brady which may be up there with my worst draft day decisions. Thanks to Ape for not bailing me out with this one I guess I’m now stuck with him seeing as our waiver wire is barren. At running back we’ve got Alvin Kamara and Tony Pollard who I’m pretty sure teaches P3 at a Private school. Rounding off this roster is the “Will They, Wont They?” romance of Damien Williams and David Montgomery. What will their coaches do with them? Fucked if I know!

You know what? You’ve gotta have some faith in this game. Shooting by Arrangement for a Week 1 W.

Sponsored by Lambeau vs Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers

Thanks to the fact that Chin & Cabbage have kept their respective team names as Team 7 and Team 10 we have here the matchup of the two worst team names in the league. MT has replaced that unsavory paedophile magnet Wee Josh in order to bring some sanity and stability whereas Decs has done his best to destroy any sanity and stability that we’ve had including some fantastic nepotism in recruiting his apparently mute brother.

As much as I want to tear arse at MT’s team he’s got a few good ones in here. Despite that he’s projected to lose with a 40% chance of success predicted. Aaron Jones and Joe Mixon are his two starting RB’s and we’ve got Antonio Brown and Rab Woods as his WR’s. The way I see this MT showed up to the draft looking for some spinach and some chicken breasts and left with a lilo and a picture frame. Sure they’re useful, but not what he wanted. Nevermind Sponsored by Lambeau, we’ve got Sponsored by Lidl.

Meanwhile back as always to continue his retarded flailing on this league we have Decs. He, once again, went for his 2017 strategy of bid as much as possible in the first 5 minutes then have a small nap jsut in time to return for the $1 players. There are theatre audiences who sat and were louder than Decs during the draft. David Johnson and Chris Carson I struggle to believe in but DeVante Adams and Julio Jones? That’s absolutely filthy. At some point this year that combination will combine for a score that Decs can’t even read aloud.

Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers to pop the lilo and throw out the spare kettle.

A Bunch of Helmets vs Bigger the Better

The state educator vs the state. Both teams feature some firepower and I reckon this’ll be hard to seperate. Kyzi’s narcolepsy at the draft didn’t stop him from having more than a few boys I’m jealous of. Meanwhile Doigy has a team of boys ready to go including LeSean McCoy a man shockingly younger than his fantasy owner.

This years bumper crop of helmets features one of the leagues best nicknames in Kerryon Luggage and that alone leads me to believe it’s going to go far. Wait? Whats that?! He got George “Put on the” Kittle as well? Well fuck it, he’s got this league sown up. No point in anyone else even showing up. Couple of white lads in there surrounded by his chocolate magic? This will be the only blog of the year.

His opponent? The creature from the Black Lagoon. Which is anywhere across that disgusting new bridge. In spite of being awoken from his slumber like a lion head made of sand in Aladdin, Kyzi has done quite well for himself. The ironically named Nick Chubb and injury prone Dalvin Cook leading his rushing attack. Michael Thomas in at WR and… yeah honestly this team is just a straight line on an ECG. I can’t make fun of it nor can I applaud it. If I could put a singular team in the Doofy Duel every week it would be this one regardless of opponent.

A Bunch of Helmets show this boy back to the special education section.

Asked Madden vs Newcraighall Nukes

It’s a terrifying state of affairs when I realistically have to consider Ape as being a league stalwart. But he’s been here year on year, always moving in silence unless there’s even so much as a whiff of gambling. Meanwhile his opponent is a man completely incapable of moving in silence. If it’s not for the wheezing from his undoubtedly struggling for breath or the lapping of the waves as his sweaty skin rubs against itself he’ll no doubt announce his presence seconds later with “I ACTUALLY HAVE A GURLEY JERSEY” We are, of course, talking about Sheep.

In addition to his Gurley pick he’s managed to nab Josh Jacobs. He has to be a brilliant player, uncatchable I imagine, side steps boys at will. I’ve put this together based on the fact he apparently can’t even be caught on camera as the Hard Knocks crew never managed to land one on him at any point. Mike Evans here? Check. Stefon Diggs? Check. I mean it’s a good team. It’s got everything I’d look for in a team except it’s being managed by a man who’s hiveminded by Reddit. If we set FantasyPros to automanage a team this is what we’d end up with.

Ape on the other hand has Melvin Gordon luxuriating on his bench, blissfully unaware he could have him in the IR spot and pick up another player. He also doesn’t have Tom Brady. How wild is that when the most notable thing I can find to discuss about your roster is your LACK of a certain player? There’s something to be said about this league when a man with a mysterious disease that eats his fingernails from the core out is our white supremacist. He’s not an anything supremacist.

Newcraighall Nukes to win. I know, controversial, but a sheep couldn’t fight a gorilla. Think about it.

Doofys Disabled Duel

Team 7 vs Team 10

Who Ya Got?! Week 15: Prayers and Sacrifice Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week 15: Prayers and Sacrifice Edition

Hello pals and welcome, I have taken over the commisioners duties as he has said to me “I’m too busy getting rimmed by a moose and using maple syrup for lube to deal with that showers of bastards” Canada has changed him and I for one hope he stays to be eaten by a bear. It has been a long season and I for one am ecstatic that the DOOF (or who my Mrs refers too as “That cunt”) will finally be leaving my home after 24 months, and I thought 9 season at Mussy with the Doofs shite patter was bad enough but his eyes follow you around the room, penetrating your soul. Rumour has it that they are remaking Ghostbusters 2 and instead of using “Vigo the Carpathian” painting, Hollywood are in discussion to use the Doof, fucking haunting.

But hey lets talk FOOTBALL!

I will be honest I have disappointingly not followed this seasons, I know sacrilege! Especially seeing as at at one point I was riding so high I had the fucking munchies. Looking at the league table you would think that the draft was done with expert grace and poise, 4 teams all on 7-7 records but really they shat the bed. Oh how they laughed when I spunked my load on Zeke, Hunt and AP in the draft and with a record of 8-6, my team would have been a contender if it wasn’t for Cunt, sorry i mean Hunt. I’m guessing that Hunt decided to watch Rush Hour in the off season and go full Jackie Chan on some bird. Why do NFL players do this? Are they not content with earning millions and enjoying playing football for 5 months of the year? No they have to become twats and ruin my FIRST CHANCE OF MAKING THE FUCKING PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway before Cabbage defends his soul mate lets get down to business.

Bobby Nelson Cash Clash Game of the Week

A Bunch of Helmets (6-8) vs Decatrons Dabbing Destroyers (2-12)

I know I bet you are reading this to think why do these two twats deserve the belt? Simple – because I fucking said so! Right?! Either stop reading this drivel or shut up and continue. Firstly Doigy, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha<br>hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha<br>hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahah hah ha. Now i bet you are thinking why, Caj, why? Truth be told because of your behaviour in the chat, just because you have ended up in the “Door” (EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know if this is a spelling error or someone said this so I’m leaving it) play offs, you have decided to now stand up on your soap box, throw the teddy out the pram and cry to the commish saying its not fair! Lifes not fair my boy, Deal with it! It is hilarious that you have out scored 8 teams and still ended in the dregs of our league, but if points don’t equal wins then nobody cares! This week you have the Texans up against a piss poor Jets D, Watson and Hopkins should hopefully be the wind beneath you but the rest of your match ups look like a tough ride. Decs your teams score has to be the worst in our league history, I believe I will need to confirm with our league historian but I’m pretty sure Decatrons dabbling destroyers have secured that accolade, Congrats! I was not going to inform the league of your secret collusion with me to set up
Doigy but I believe that I have a duty to report this so the elders can make their decision. My recommendation is that he tattoos Decatrons Dabbling Destroyers to his chest as it is a reminder
of his deceit and to carry on his family tradition of getting shite tattoos. A Bunch of Helmets, Im giving you the win only because I cant bare to hear cabbage shite patter for the rest of the week. We get it cab you love Doigy, nobody cares anymore

Doofys Disabled Duel

Lads lets face it if you are not in the playoffs for the championship or the Doof, you don’t care, am I right! so lets save time and pop them both in. Commish if you have a problem with this you can
email me on IKNOWTHEELDERESEXSIST@COLLUISION.COM.

Samba Warriors (12-2) vs Goulash Goons (8-6)

Rosco you have went the distance this season and with the same amount of wins as Decs has losses, fantastic. For a guy who actually plays this sport you would think that you would be doing this every season? Or has it just begun? Has the red dragon awaken???
And then Chinwonder, FUCK YOU! that was my playoff spot, hope you graze your fucking chin! Lets look at the matchup and the most interesting part is the wide receivers from the steelers, JuJu
vs Auld Brownie. (Racism or unknown nickname) So I did a little math, Calm down Doigy don’t climax just yet, JuJu has scored thus far (yes, I used the word thus) 267.60 points this season to Brown 221.30 points, so from this calculation JuJu has been giving Big Ben more Krispy Kreme and Ice cream than Brown, with this logic Rosco has the advantage. I know what I will be doing next season is double drafting both Brown and Juju as it is very impressive that i can add that high.
Next!
It is a privilege to annonce this but Kebab has made the playoffs!, I am little worried that he sold his new born to the football gods but hey, that is a commitment to the league! for shame on ape and wee Josh, Shame! I know kyzie will be polishing his earring in excitment for this upcoming weekend tugging himself with a belt around his neck shouting “turn the gas off!” but guess what,
Sheep to win!

Lastly, I am looking forward to next season and how it turns out, maybe Doigy gets his way, Jimbo will go to anger management and josh might strike up a conversation in the chat but all i know to be true is that I will not have the Doof!</p>

Peace out!

Who Ya Got?! Week 14: Best for Last Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week 14: Best for Last Edition

Well here it is, final week of the regular season, and what a season it’s been. Sitting atop this fine league has been a rare experience for myself that I’ve cherished every second of. Especially donning the marvellous Tash Clash belt, in the scud, on more than one occassion. Even more enjoyable though has been watching some serious fantasy competitors left in purgatory until this very weekend. How will our play off seeds pan out? Will it be Kyzi, Caj or Goulash that makes it to the dance? No one cares. What we all care about is that ever elusive third Doof off slot. Which poor, poor, godforsaken cunt is getting lumped together with Dumb and Dumber at the arse end of the table? 6-8 will be there record, and for their sins, in two weeks time, they could be eating cold sausage rolls and drinking flat Tennants at La Discotheque du Doof. It’d be some Old Testament retribution from the Fantasy Gods should someone with a 6-8 record be left in that sorry situation, it’d sure make you wonder what they’d done to deserve such punishment.

And on that note, let’s get on to this week’s games!

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

A Bunch of Helmets 6-7 (109.39) v Top Shaggers 6-7 (109.45)

Here we have one of those very match ups. Two fantasy stallwarts of the league, with everything we like in a league member. Active in the chat. Solid fantasy knowledge. Bipolar tendancies. Strong opinions. These are the things we look for the in MRFC Man’s League. And this one couldn’t be shaping up any closer, let’s dive into the match up.

As you can see the predicted points couldn’t be split by a bawhair with NFL.com projecting a mere 0.06 points between them. We have 30 million dollar man Cousins going against 30 sheepy fat bux man Deshaun Watson. QB11 v QB12 respectively. We have marquee names everywhere catching passes, with Keenan Allen, OBJ and Gronk all shagging to their top potential (shagging men counts as well Odell, don’t stress), versus a talented bunch of helmets including Nuke Hopkins, Mike Evans and the surprising leader of the group, Zach Ertz. It’s a clash of AFC North talent in the flex with Tyler Boyd taking on Hard Knocks favourite Jarvis Landry. But here is where the teams differ. Doigy employed a bold “Fuck RBs” strategy in the draft and thats left us with quite the disparity at the runningback position, roughly equal to the disparity in physique between these two contestants. But where Doigy has the chiselled rig we all crave, he’s the one with B&M Bargain backs. Josh Adams and Jeff Wilson (who recently hung up his spirit level and wood saw for a shot at NFL stardom), versus household names Lamar Miller and Joe Mixon.

With these teams being so closely matched, my head says Jimbo takes this one for dad bods all over the nation, but I’m not gonna let my head deprive us of a pic of Doigy, in the scud, with that glorious gold around his waist.

A Bunch Of Helmets to win it and enjoy the elation of pure mediocrity.

Samba’s Warriors 11-2 (117.57) v Asked Madden 9-4 (115.29)

Let’s get this out the way because none of you care and this basically does nothing to the seedings. Sheep and I are safe as houses and loving life.

You don’t care, we don’t care, get it right roond ye.

Bigger The Better 8-5 (115.50) v Hail cajy 8-5 (98.75)

Firstly fuck Caj for making me type that name.

We truly are in the upside down. Bizzarro world. Opposite land. Call it what you will but something is very wrong. Perennial bottom dwellers Kyzi and Caj are duking it out for play off spots. PLAY OFF SPOTS. Let that sink in (it shouldn’t take long given the combined weight of these competitors).

Kebab is boasting an impressive squad propped up by Julio Jones and Saquads Barkley (who would ever trade that combination away? No one that would ever live to regret it in the subsequent playoffs when they returned home to their distant father who brought them both into this league, only to cast them aside for two shiny, golden recently underperforming superstars), the guy who would be Ape’s favourite player if he paid any attention to the actual success of white NFL players, Adam Thielen, the reawoken Amari Cooper and boom or bust TE Jared Cook. Thats an impressive squad, even if it is manned by Jameis Winston (recently spotted being passed about by two GOOD MATES).

Caj’s team used to boast similar firepower, but with Kareem Hunt trying out for KC’s kicking job, and Lamar Jackson’s inabilty to throw the ball removing any value from John Brown, Caj is left with league favourite Josh Gordon, Zeke Elliott and AD to float his time. Now that may sound like a nice trio. AD broke of a 90 yarder I hear you cry. He was 9 carries for 98 yards in that game, it doesn’t take our resident mathematician to work out that is not ideal.

Kyzi to wear him down and beat Caj, just like baldness has. Bigger The Better for the win.

Goulash Goons 8-5 (98.69) v Shooting By Arrangement 6-7 (116.86)

Another clash this week with plenty on the line. Will the Chin be playoff bound, banishing our Commish to the potential Doofy danger zone? Or will DP wake up feeling dangerous and throw a knock out blow at that mighty jaw line? Only time will tell. It’d be nice if there was some extra drama involved in this match up but its really quite a bore. Oh no wait, this pair were involved in one of the leagues highest profile trades, all but two weeks ago. Shooting sending their workhorse back, RB#1 Todd Gurley to the Goons in exchange for CMC, RB#4, and a receiver of little note or status. Oh, wait there, no, it was Tyreek the Freak, WR#Fucking1. DP, clearly inspired by auld Red Dead 2, committing daylight robbery, theft of the highest order. A man as honourable as his chin is large, actually raped himself in order to fully avoid raping our hapless Commish. This Tyreek sized hole has been filled by the noteable Taylor Gabriel WR#56, whilst DP has only strengthened his squad with a plethora of back up RBs.

This is a game that will leave the Goons feeling like exactly that, goons. Shooting By Arrangement for the W. Enjoy watching the very things you once loved, destroy everything you fought to build.

Deshaun of the dead 2-11 (95.82) v Beast Mode 6-7 (102.03)

This game narrowly missed out on the Disabled duel, and all that saved it was Cabbage’s efforts throughout this season. I’m usually first to get Andy’s blood boiling, but he’s actually made some shrewd moves of late and boasts an impressive record given the lack of talent his squad actually has. Eric Ebron being a highlight pick up, few bears here and there that can blow up any given day, a nice trade for a red hot Aaron Jones, couple nice QBs to play match ups with, Ingram to pick up some work once the Saint’s have ran away with it. I’ve seen worse squads. Has he made some of the most retarded trade moves we’ve seen in this league with his GOOD MATE chinalin? Yeah, sure he has. But he’s sitting one victory away from mediocrity and a healthy sleeping pattern (from a fantasy stand point), and all that stands in his way is an empty tracksuit, the gable end of a crisp, a man so thin he actively avoids drains for fear of imprisonment, wee Josh.

Now wee Josh’s team is not a good team. Stricken by injury to his star AJ Green, Wentz failing to perform, JoHo playing second fiddle to Beast Mode’s Tarik Cohen, Humphries, Barber. There arent many bright spots left for our 2-11 rookie. James White and Kenny Golladay being the only names that would really draw much interest outside Cam Newton at the helm. Once the proud owner of Travis Kelce TE#1, now the owner of bench warmer Doug Baldwin. Not much has gone right for our wee Josh after his three TE draft strategy (that’s right, THREE). Has he enjoyed this stint of Man’s fantasy? Probably not. Will he have to endure it much longer? Who knows. What we do know is he underestimated this league, and as much as he wishes his last battle was against our bald, diabetic phoenix, he’s got a tough few weeks ahead. Try and enjoy them Josh, its only life size Doofy staring at you and reminding you how awful this all was for an entire year. We actually found live footage of Wee Josh’s doof escape

Beast Mode

Doofys Disabled Duel

Newcraighall Nukes 6-7 v Decatrons Dabbing Destroyers 2-11

Decatrons’s been shafted by injuries, Ape is a dick.

Decatrons Dabbing Destroyers to win.

Who Ya Got?! Week 13: Polite and Politically Correct Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week 13: Polite and Politically Correct Edition

I have been looking forward to writing this blog for a number of weeks; not only because I am sitting in a lofty second position in the table, but primarily because I’ll get a one week respite from the horrendous fat shaming culture in this league. There have been a few noteworthy goings on since our last blog so I will try to get you up to date before getting into the nitty gritty:

  • A blockbuster trade has taken place in the league! The goldenest of chins sending the swollenest of prostates a king’s ransom for Daves lone player of worth.
  • Decs managed to pilfer his second win on the year, picking it up from the oft shat on Doigy.
  • Ape has actually checked his phone on three separate occasions.
  • The Browns have won their first road game in 3 years.
  • Alex Collins has been traded so many times between Goulash and Cabbage that he decided to pack it up and allow a guy called Gus Edwards to take over the primary RB role in Baltimore.

Surely this can’t all have happened in just one week since the last blog post?? You would be correct. Thanks to the silent, snivelling cat scrotum known as Joshy missing his blog post we have had to endure 2 full weeks with no post. 2 full weeks of no hate filled rants. 2 full weeks of having to read the back of shower gel bottles whilst taking a shit. Much like my own cats scrotum, Josh isn’t likely to be here come next year, so without further ado let’s get into the matchups:

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Bigger The Better Vs Shooting by Arrangement

I know what you’re thinking; surely this can’t be match of the week! These two teams barely even have a winning record combined. Normally you would be correct, however, Kyzi has been pissing points for fun over the last few weeks. That mixed in with the aforementioned trade that Davey shrewdly pushed through before the trade deadline has given this matchup a much different flavour from week 11 which saw Davey fail to reach 50.

I don’t particularly like either of these people. Kyzi is as large as me if not larger yet he still bandies about the fat slags as much as (maybe more so) than others. This isn’t the chief reason I dislike him, in fact I quite enjoy a fat joke. I’m hoping if I get enough of them I may eventually be bothered to do something about it (unlikely). No the chief reason I dislike him is because he has ruined one of my favourite foods. I am talking of course about the donner Kebab. If Kyzi were to perform a pirouette my mouth would likely start to water. I’d be en route to Marios to pick up some chilli + Salad sauces. Every time I meet this human spit in person I break whatever diet I’m on. The next day you’ll find me; kite out on the sofa slathered in garlic mayo with Marios on one phone line and the Frying Scotsman on the other. His team is pretty good though.

I don’t hate Davey, I pity him. If you made a film about this man’s life it would have academy award written all over it. Picture someone pitching this film.

A small boy with no dad growing up in the mean streets of Musselburgh turns to rugby to get a father figure. The poor boy turns bald by 13 which leads to a horrendous couple of years at school where he gets relentlessly bullied. He develops a sharp wit and shields himself behind scathing sarcasm. Our hero has more testosterone than most and develops a large beard and is physically intimidating by 15, a career in rugby could be on the horizon. Alas, poor Davey falls foul to a recurring shoulder injury which limits his potential. With no redeeming qualities and no friends, Davey ventures out into the world to seek out his father. Will he look to forge a bond with him or does he want vengeance for the poor genes passed down? Unfortunately the film never finds out. Instead our intrepid hero gets stuck in a basement in Toronto cleaning up after his friends cat, he is only wheeled out to hurl abuse at passers-by like an evil quivering bald guard dog.

Okay so maybe not academy award winning more like Razzie winning, but there could be something there. Obviously the part of Davey will be played by a black kid.

Davey has managed to strengthen his team tenfold with the addition of CMC and everyones favourite woman beater Tyreek Hill (it’s alright though, nobody filmed it). This should be a lot closer than the last turgid affair (scores below)

Week 11 – Bigger The Better: 112.70  Shooting by Arrangement: 47.28

My Verdict is a win for Shooting by Arrangement. There’s a very good chance this game goes over 250 points.

Goulash Goons Vs Beast Mode

Chinaling and Diabeto have been very busy wheeling and dealing over the last few weeks to bolster their squads in time for the playoffs. Alex Collins has been passed between the two more times than a junkies stick and has been about as useful as the Aids which came with it. It ended up with Cabbage essentialy giving up Dion Lewis for hee haw as Jameis Winston was about as useful as a pierced condom. Cabbage has since sent Brandin Cooks to Ape for Aaron Jones, I like this trade for both teams, Aaron Jones has been looking great when he gets snaps. Goulash has acquired fantasy MVP Todd Gurley. Most fantasy pundits will tell you to give up anything to pick up Todd Gurley, he is that good. However I don’t think they meant quite the treasure trove that Sandy gave up. McCaffrey and Hill combined on Daveys team for a massive 43.2 points. That’s great on a normal day but bear in mind that Hill was on bye and this shows you what a disgustingly horrendous mistake Sandy has made.

Lord Baldemorts squad is now looking like who’s who of mediocrity. Every single one of these players has had at least 1 huge week over the season, how likely is it that the stars align this week against Chin? Not hugely.

Cunts team has 3 massive names in Brown, Brees and Gurley. The supporting cast however leaves a lot to be desired.

Week 10 – Beast Mode 101.70 Goulash Goons: 137.30

In a rematch from week 10 I can’t see a different outcome. Goulash Goons (what a horrendous name, If you really liked the idea surely it should be Goulash’s Goons?) for the win.

Asked Madden Vs Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers

This game is incredibly boring, so I will try to keep it short but sweet. My team, Asked Madden is a powerhouse. No one team member stands alone in keeping this squad aloft. A far cry from the championship of 2016 where David Johnson carried a fractured squad including Blake Bortles to triumph on his large masculine dreamy back. Now grandfathered into the team he is surrounded by good talent. Not excellent talent, just good. Each of those players has the ability to rip off a 30 burger though which has kept me up there at the business end of the table year round.

Decs team is coming together for a late season play to avoid the Doof. He’ll be in contention but with this squad I can see him doing the dirty over a poor unsuspecting soul week 15. His squad is filled with players I struggle to spell so I hate to imagine Decs having to sound out the names every weekend. My advice to you, Decs, is next year draft some shorter names, maybe then you won’t be stuck each week trying to work out who is who and you’ll stop leaving good players on the bench.

Week 8: Asked Madden: 156.66 Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers: 113.74

I actually see the Destroyers winning this one. Rodgers, Fournette and Adams is a formidable 3some. How are you only on 2 wins Decs??? I do get the rape child back this week in the tight end position so fingers crossed I am wrong and clinch that playoff spot.

Top Shaggers Vs Hail Cajy

Caj in this league is a bit like when the WWE thought it would be a good idea to have a retard on the show. You may think this has something to do with the make a wish foundation but no. They had a guy (fully mentally capable might I add) act like a disabled man child week in, week out getting beat up by roided up mongos regularly and occasionally getting a shock pinfall. Caj this year is like Eugene once he stole Hulk Hogans Hulking up powers. Still wears adult diapers every morning but somehow when it comes to a Sunday night he is laying the beatdown on every other cunt with all of his mongo strength.

In this scenario that loosely makes Jimbo Kurt Angle. Olympic gold medalist from many moons ago (inaugural league champion) Jimbo has decided to put his gold medal on the line against Caj. He wants to laugh at all of Caj’s disabilities. He is going to hit Caj with the Angle Slam but instead of going for a pinfall he will try to finish him off with an Angle Lock. This is Jimbos biggest mistake. He forgot Caj is a retard, what is the one thing retards can’t do? That’s right, feel pain! Caj is going to low blow Jim, Hulk up like the raging mongo he is and lay Jimbo down with the Mongo’s elbow. (EDITORS NOTE: Best comparison of the year)

Week 2 – Top Shaggers: 95.10 Hail Cajy: 103.66

Hail Cajy to do the double of Jimbo. Pic related: Caj when he wakes up on Tuesday morning.

A Bunch Of Helmets Vs Samba’s Warriors

This matchup is down here because it is boring. Doigy is going to put up points. OneYoung is going to put up more. Doigy is going to complain in the chat the rest of the week about how he is hard done by. That’s what I would have said if I’d been writing this blog before week 5. However Doigys incessant childlike whining has been kept to a minimum since them, he actually did the dirty over OneYoung in week 5 in one of the only blips OneSki has had throughout the season.

The Helmets have recently acquired Josh Adams who is looking good for the Eagles and I would assume he will get the nod at the RB position. Mack has been looking like a monster playing for the Colts but I wouldn’t expect much this weekend versus the Jags. You know what to do Doigy. You can hear him Calling CAW, he is due a big game CAW, he can save your season CAW!! Unleash the Crow CAW

CAW

CAW

CAW

OneYoung go and stop being good for just a couple of minutes. I’m sick of seeing your shite chat of, “oh no it looks like *insert opponent here* is having a good game, don’t think I can beat them” at half past 7 every week. Before preceding to wipe the floor with them when Pat Mahomes chucks TD’s for fun and JuJu runs farther than an Ethiopian for a water source.

Week 5 – Sambas Warriors: 81.62 A Bunch Of Helmets: 104.30

I want to see the crow run over Tennessee so if Doigy plays him I predict A Bunch of Helmets to claim the W. Otherwise its another easy victory for Samba and his band of Warriors.

Newcraighall Nukes Vs Deshaun of the Dead

Who Ya Got?! Week 10: Diabetic Pheonix Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week 10: Diabetic Pheonix Edition

Here we are the week the Diabetic Phoenix get to write his bit for the League – the last time I did the blog I was very pleasant towards everyone but this time fuck that this league has been so poisonous even Theresa May would struggle to compete – the league is full of fucking fantasy gods or so they think.

I could go into great depth about the match ups etc. but quite frankly I have better things to do like work or changing dirty nappies.

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Hail cajy vs Newcraighall Nukes

This is an interesting match up following both winnings last week – my wife who very rarely uses harsh language said to me the other week “is CA-JY the boy who changes his team name every season?” I replied yes – her response was “what a fanny” – after picking myself up the floor said that’s 100% accurate.

Ape, after a bad start, has pulled himself to within a whisker of a playoff berth and will be looking to pull off victory this week even though this dick knows fuck all about NFL apart from who Tom Brady is.

Verdict

Newcraighall Nukes to edge this purely because CA-JY is a DICK.

Shooting By Arrangement vs Bigger the Better

Two oracles of the game – both desperate to get into playoff and this couldn’t be a bigger match for both.

I have no doubt Dave will be watching this week rubbing himself red raw every time Todd Gurley touches the ball and Kyzi will be hiding under his covers when the  aforementioned leads the Rams to victory.

Verdict

Shooting By Arrangement to win and send Kyzi to the danger zone

Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers vs A Bunch of Helmets

Well in my mind Doigy should walk this but Decs disabled’s have put up decent numbers the last few weeks so might be closer than people think.

Verdict

Doigy to sneak it and let Decs prepare his team talk for the looming Doofy Bowl.

Goulash Goons vs Top Shaggers

Goulash (MY MATE) to win this game hands down and send a member of the oracle group into the abyss –  Goulash had a great start against me last week can see him continuing this this week.

Jimbo will no doubt be bunkered in come Sunday night in his what can only be described as a surveillance room to watch things unravel in front of his eyes. I wouldn’t like to be the computer screen who feels the wrath of his fury when Goulash pumps him into next week.

Verdict

Goulash Goons

Beast Mode vs Asked Madden

As a good luck charm rumour has it Sheep has a ritual every Sunday night come game time to strip down to his boxers smoother himself in a family bag of cheesy Doritos then shout here PUSSY PUSSY and wait for his kittens to come and eat every drop off his semi naked body.

I for one fancy my chances this week and hope I can steady the ship after 2 shock defeats.

Verdict

Beast Mode to inject Sheep with some much-needed Insulin.

Doofys Disabled Duel

Deshaun of the Dead vs Samba’s Warriors

Here we go the league know it all and newest member go head to head which on form should go to OneSki but I think it could be week wee Joshy could sneak a win and build momentum going into his Doofy bowl playoff.

OneYoung looks to have secured a playoff berth and given he is the only cunt in here that actually plays the game it’s about fucking time.

Verdict

Deshaun of the Dead

Who Ya Got?! Week Nine: ADHD Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week Nine: ADHD Edition

If this league was a political party it’s manifesto would consist entirely of episiotomies and higher taxes. That’s how completely unpopular it is. I’m desperately trying to evict people and fill the holes and I’d have an easier appointment clearing out a Greenfell Tower effigy. Which, ironically, higher taxes would’ve at least helped prevent. But I digress. There’s 7 Weeks left in the entire fantasy season and I think, for the first time, I can’t wait for this fucking shit show to be over. We’ve thus far avoided a Something-Gate but it’s about time we landed on one. I just don’t know what it’ll be first. Josh’s undiagnosed Bulimia-Gate? Sheep lying underneath Josh as he vomits and swallows it up like a fat, force-fed, faux gras goose….gate? More than likely it’ll be the first time that belt goes to some careless bastard who breaks it into a thousand bits.

Also seeing as everyone has thus far forgot to do it in their blog lets take a look at how we got on last week!

Oh wait, four-oh-fucking-four image not found because the human white chocolate easter egg Caj didn’t bother his arse to do it. It’s my genuine hope that they discover you’re a hermaphrodite and you end up with your horrible uterus utterly riddled with fibroid polyps.  Lets just take a guess and say he got them all completely wrong. Take yourself down to the shed and ram some asbestos down your gizzard. It’ll be both the first time you’ve seen a gym and the first asbestos death of 2018. What a fine cause for celebration.

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Samba’s Warriors vs Asked Madden

This matchup is a strange conundrum. See, on the one hand, you’ve got a man who lifts so many weights it’s almost suspect how he manages it. Yet on the other hand you’ve got a man who packs on so much weight it’s no question how he manages it. The real question is could OneSki lift Sheep? The immovable object meets the unstoppable force. Both in real life and fantasy terms.

After an early season trade which rocked the league to no end, OneSki has gone from strength to strength even posting a 170+ point run on his last outing. His players continue their unique brand of arse punishment and it’s horrendous to watch him slowly cram his square peg into all of our round holes. You could’ve landed a quadruple AA battery powered drone into mine by the time he was finished. My screams of “No!” only served to encourage him. He’s the only member of our league who still plays American football as well, so the entire time he savaged me he wore eye black. He looked like an MRFC housewife after she burns her husbands dinner.

There’s only so many ways I can reference just how rotund this person is. He’s denser than Betelguese and roughly as bright. It’s actually quite difficult in the 5th year of this league to continually find new ways to call Sheepy gigantic. But one thing I do know is that his honeymoon would’ve been better served in Thailand had I known how much he likes to touch up underagers. Poor Joshy and all his 3 stone frame was completely manhandled at the start of the year by Fatty Kreuger and it’s been all up for him ever since. We shouldn’t stand for this. Not that he could. The fat bastard.

Samba’s Warriors to do the filthy all over Professor Klump.

Shooting By Arrangement vs Newcraighall Nukes

Well isn’t this wild. A man having a mid life crisis in his late 20’s and a man slipping blissfully into the imitation of consciousness that is Musselburgh suburban life. Although if you did tell me Ape was actually in a constant coma I’d 100% buy it. I cannot remember the last meaningful conversation I had with him. Meanwhile I continue my attempt to ostracize anyone and everyone I’ve ever known. Which, hopefully, this blog ticks off another 11 people.

Firstly, me. $62. That’s how many Sheepy Draft Bux I’ve lost to the IR this season. Including Devonta Freeman who got me 6.2 points before being shuffled immediately off the roster. Impressive stuff. But who can complain when you’ve got Todd Gurley. What a fantasy cheat code. When people wonder how Decs managed to win this last year just remember this. This player is fantasy filth. This is like one of those PornHub ads that’s like “LEARN HOW TO GET A MONSTER COCK” except, instead of giving your computer HIV, this is actually just an ad from a misunderstood scientist. It should probably tell you how my fantasy season is going that I’m telling you all about one player. I live and die by Todd Gurleys continued success. Also attempt I make to trade with players in this league goes like this –

Then we’ve got Ape who’s pointlessness is legendary. Why would anyone even bother approaching this man for a trade or even so much as a conversation about fantasy football? He shows up when he wins but only to throw out some useless conversation about something poorly researched. Outside of either loneliness or an attempt to stave off a suicide attempt I can’t see why this mans in not one but two leagues? Why continue to do something that disinterests you so much? The only thing I think that can continue to bring you any source of entertainment is the fact that Halloween in your life appears to be year round. It’s the only explanation for why you’re constantly busy doing the job of an 18 year old intern and always seem to be dressed as a clown.

Newcraighall Nukes to dish out his unique brand of humourless joy.

A Bunch of Helmets vs Deshaun of the dead

I’ll tell you what, how this wasn’t the Doofy Duel is beyond me because who gives a solid fuck about either of these teams? I sincerely hope Joshy loses cause at least then we won’t hear fuck all. If Doigy loses we’ll be subject to five weeks of statistical analysis on why he should have actually won this league five years on the trot. Meanwhile Joshy is still desperately trying to blu-tac a Hear’Say poster to his wall. It’s actually a waste of processing power to even calculate the scores for this game, that’s how little anyone cares.

Doigy’s unique draft strategy has given his team a very unique flavour this year. In that I’ve never seen teams manage to lose quite so savagely with quite such alarming regularity. It wouldn’t susprise me if he loses this one by 0.12 points or something else vaguely astonishing.  His real life team’s comparison, Eli Manning, is heading up his side this week and I can’t imagine quite what amount of the old jazz cabbage Doigy had been smoking to make this selection. Then again the waiver wire is desolate. I still reckon it’s a safer bet that Sam Darnold shits more points than Manning this week. Quite what I’m willing to put on that? Nothing. But a loss here would push Doigy ever closer to that horrible Doofy position and I’m just jealous of a man with a far more robust mental state than I, in spite of his rapidly advancing years.

Then there’s this…… thing. He looks like a stretched out Gollum in a wig. Wee Josh is what I imagine would be created with a pritt stick and a years worth of spare synagogue foreskins. You could add 225 grams of salt instead of 225 grams of sugar to a sponge cake and it would still make me feel less sick than Wee Joshs’ addition to this league. It’s the worst choice I’ve ever made. He’s the drink I put down, went to the toilet, came back, drank, and got subsequently college frat house gang raped. I suppose his teams not bad. Although between the aforementioned and running his team? I dunno which is preferable.

A Bunch of Helmets to be lead to the promised land by saviour Eli Manning & the New York Football Giants.

Bigger the Better vs Top Shaggers

The Dad Clash. It actually brings me a lot of joy to have so many fathers in this league. To go from zero to four is a great step up in my approximation. This pair of dicks though. Christ they’re the sort of dads you’d pick up in Lidl. And not the bakery, oh no. This is the middle section. With thermal socks and fucking wipe free whiteboards. I reckon we should just throw caution to the wind and make their children fight. See who picks up the W. Money on Jimbo’s kid it’s got about 40lbs on Kyzi’s (Surprisingly)

Kyzi long ago forgot which pierced ear was the gay side so to avoid any confusion he got both pierced and, depending on what side of his face you look at, he’s either an absolute flamer or just a bit of a weirdo. He’s applied that latent homosexuality to his team where he’s fawned over the RB1 and WR1 of his oh-so-precious Atlanta Falcons. I can imagine no wasteland more desolate than the living room of Kyz after he watches his fantasy team and his real life team lose in one fell swoop, pardon the pun. The only thing I can picture being so empty and devoid of matter is his average weeknight fridge after he goes through it like a train. I am willing to bet that child gets precisely 20% of the milk. Meanwhile he’s latching on for dear life.

Big Jim eh. If Kyz is the one latching here’s the big tit. The Wolf of Stoneyhill has successfully parlayed his friends money into precisely zero bitcoin and has thus far managed to mislead them in a fashion reminiscient of a Tony Blair Middle East intervention scheme. Unlike old Teflon Tony however we don’t forget. Big Jim handed the first W of the year to a man who is his lesser in every imagineable way apart from pubic hair length. What do you need more? 8 full hours of sleep or a fantasy W? I’d think on that for future reference. Can’t be long you’ve got left to use TJ Yeldon now? If you’re reading this and he’s trying to flip you him, just ignore. That’s my best advice yet.

Bigger the Better to get that new dad sleep interrupted by the braying from Jimbo’s defeated fantasy side.

Goulash Goons vs Beast Mode

Another game that could’ve been the Doofy Duel were it not for both these teams blindly bumbling their way into a winning record. I’ve no idea how they’re done this, honestly. To be clear Cabbage spent over $60 of his hard earned Sheepy Draft Bux on Le’Veon Bell who has so far done fuck all and he’s still 6-3. As for Goulash his undiagnosed downs syndrome should be preventing him doing a thing.

A Goon, as I’ve come to know in Canada, is a term in hockey for tough players who would fight on the regular. There’s a hint of irony that this be the chosen rebrand for Goulash given than he wilted quicker than a flower in the fridge after being called a cunt by Sheep. For what it’s worth we all didn’t chip in with our 2 cents because it had been summed up so succinctly. Bristols loss is truly Musselburghs game. How are you psuhing for that final play off spot? I’m shocked you don’t have vertigo. What can I say about your team…. well you’ve recently dropped Corey Clement for Wendell Smallwood so only two more Eagles backs to go and you’ve got the full set. I look forward to you selling your body for the money for Shiny Jay Ajayi.

Then we’ve got the kid from Powder. A man who’s one Kinder Egg away from a coma. Clutching onto that 4th place spot like he’s clutching a vial of life giving insulin. I’ve never seen anyone inject themselves so much yet remain so utterly miserable. At least the people I lived near on Leith had a whale of a time. Meanwhile you just see off a can of Red Bull and turn red in the face. I think this is the highest I’ve ever seen Cabbage ride in this league and by fuck is it going to come crashing down. He lost to me and I’m essentially useless so just try and picture how fragile this team is. It’s apt a team this fragile is attached to a man so fragile. Cabbage is one 100 shellacking away a bed and breakfast weekend in Carstairs.

Beast Mode to drop his horrid, unshaven scrotum like a filthy pancake all over the Goulashs face.

Doofys Disabled Duel

Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers vs Hail cajy

Who Ya Got?! Week 7: Kyzi’s Bairn Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week 7: Kyzi’s Bairn Edition

Week 7 and my personal love/hate relationship with fantasy continues. One day all the pieces will fall into place for me but again this year I’ll be happy to just be irrelevant. The bye weeks are truly up and running now so on top of having to sort each of our teams we also have to manage fuckers getting a break. All my ‘winners’ will be based on projected points – I’m putting zero effort in.

This blog will be short for two reasons. 1. I can’t be arsed. 2. If it’s shit I won’t have to do it again.

On what will be the only positive thought in this blog, and from previous reading in any blog, I want to give us a wee pep talk around gambling and our weekly bet. Don’t overdo it but by Christ I’m not interested in winning £1.83 each ya bunch of fannies. Consider the approach, one big £5 bet is better than 166 3p bets (with some change) and don’t turn up on Monday with a winner. We can do it!!!

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Sambas Warriors vs Shooting by Arrangement

Firstly, well done on maintaining your team names over various seasons. The fact both names have held as a tribute to two horrific human beings is truly amazing.

Here are the projected points:

OneSki – 102.80
Commish – 102.74

Based on this OneYoung will take the W by 0.06 points. Let’s be honest with ourselves Commish has just potentially lost 2 RBs from the Stable while OneYoung continues to ride on the back of his young guns Mahomes and Kamara so there is no way this is going to be this tight either way.

I reckon OneYoung wins this but Commish seems to find a way to win each week, even though he has scored the third lowest points so far, Ito Smith on Tuesday morning could be relevant in this one….but unlikely.

Samba’s Warriors

Beast Mode vs A Bunch of Helmets

Projected Points:

Cabbage – 96.66
Doig – 93.84

Another close call by the NFL app which gives this one to Cab.  Mr Cabbage has risen to a position in which I feel I have respect for him – a tiny minuscule amount of respect but it’s a massive improvement. He makes good decisions, active on the waiver and has scored a decent amount of points.

Doig straight up does not deserve to be in amongst the muck he currently finds himself. This is an educator of future generations of Scotmid shelf stackers – let’s have some respect for him. This week looks bleak but I love the Eli move – your so committed to all the things which continue to fuck you over Doigy. When will you learn?

Well done Beast Mode – long may this new version of you remain active.

Asked Madden vs Top Shaggers

Projected Points:

Sheep – 107.62
Jimbo – 113.22

Stack these two halfwits on top of each other and all cats could be saved from trees forevermore without the use of the fire brigade. They would be heroes. They could get blowys on demand, from each other and best of all they would always be getting called out for the pussy. What a life!

Unfortunately you two are slow, moronic half human Neanderthals who continually trade rape smaller more fragile human men.

The Big W goes to Jimbo – nope not the giants Woolworths rammed with pick & mix and shit hygienic products ya fuck – a Win. And with this win you go over .500 which means you will re-discover your voice and be nippy as shit for weeks. (editors note: accurate)

Sheep unlucky – don’t spray too much of your spunk on the belt. 5-2 is still a solid mid-season position.

Hail cajy vs Goulash Goons

Projected Points:

caj – 103.88
Chin – 97.85

Let’s be honest – this should have been V3 of the mong clashes (see below). So congratulations Caj taking a 4th win and equaling this weeks opposition. Out-with your 3 running backs your team is horrendous. It actually makes me sick you have 3 wins already – 1 of which was against me. You sacrificing inmates for these Ws?!

Just a note on Chin for this week. This will in no way be fantasy relevant as the projected points have already told us this is pointless. You ever wonder if Goulashs Mum ever thought that like socks if she put 2 lads in the washing machine only one might come out? Wonder who she would have wanted to keep.

In a new set up and to continue my can’t be arsed ethos here are two mong clashes. Also there was no splitting these games based on what has happened so far this year.

Doofys Disabled Due v1.0

Newcraighall Nukes vs DeShaun of the Dead

Projected Points:

Ape – 102.63
Josh – 101.69

Well done Newcraighall Nukes – going over .500 here. Josh if only you had focused on draft day instead of filling your 4 stone torso with sausage….and not the good kind of sausages in Sheep’s opinion.

Doofys Disabled Duel v2.0

Bigger the Better vs Decatron’s Dabbing Dickeaters

Projected points:

Kyzi – 116.06
Decs – 60.34 (put your QB and Defence In you fuckwit)

Bigger the Better to win – fuck the chump.

Who Ya Got?! Week 6: Mortal Madrid, The Goons Edition Guest Blog

Who Ya Got?! Week 6: Mortal Madrid, The Goons Edition Guest Blog

Firstly I’ll apologise now for a) the lack of chat lads over game week 5, and b) the state in which this edition may end up in due to me being absolutely mortally wankered for 3 days on the bounce with maybe 7 hours sleep in between! My basic motor neuron skills are about as advanced as Stephen Hawkings was towards to the end of his life yet even so, I still managed more chat than Ape (maybe)!!

So week 5 of football has come and gone, and for one solitary soul in this league, Decs, the horrible, sleazy, snaky image of the Doof’s eyes are potentially nearing ever closer. There’s a lot to play for so let’s have a glimpse at the week 6 ‘Bye Week Bonanza’.

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Shooting by Arrangement Vs Asked Madden

I’ve chosen this week’s Tash Clash based upon two simple and straight forward points; proximity to Mussy and then physical size! If Davie wins, he’s too far away to have a disgusting image of himself posing with the belt undoubtedly tickling his beard, or resting it over his cock and ginger pubes, banded around the chat like a Brett Favre’s cock was after sending it to that slutty reporter. Today is coincidently Favre’s Birthday, Happy birthday Shagger! I digress…. Then there’s Sheepy, whose enormous whale mass of a body, in proportion to the belt, will be unable to squeeze into that cheap, cheap clasp of magical, victorious wonder! Just let those images settle in for a second ………

Shooting by Arrangement, on a 3 game winning streak and currently nestled in the final playoff spot with a 4-1 record so far, and all I’ll say is goodness knows how! His long lost Da must have been a leprechaun with the luck he’s had; 3rd lowest scoring team in this league and has the fewest points against shows that he’s cursed everyone’s team into shitting the bed whilst he rolls around in the excrement lapping it up during his matchups. I mean don’t get me wrong, he’s been savvy with it, Gurley carrying him all the way, and Beast Mode turning up with some decent stats has helped. He now has Brady’s go-to ‘fuck buddy’ in Edelman back amongst it after his 4 game non-recognisable substance abuse suspension so I expect his team to put up points, even with the interception machine that is Bortles starting!

Asked Madden on the other hand has done things the rapey way some might say, pumping boys anuses for fun by putting up BIG points averaging 127.664 points per game over the first 5 weeks, whilst his oppositions have had their trousers at their ankles like wee Joshy in Hive. It’s disgraceful!! His big name RB1 DJ has yet to fully show up this year but Sheepy has not let that hindrance him, as he’s used the likes of Hyde, Kelce and Conner, not to mention Diggs to rocket his large carcass up to 2nd in the table without even really breaking sweat! As it currently stands, he seems to be inserting players into his team at the right time, somewhat like inserting your cock at the right time of the month to guarantee that you’ll get your missus preggers, I mean, you just can’t sell that shit.

Shooting by Arrangement for the win as I reckon your leprechaun curse will endeavour to strike again!

Hail Cajy Vs Beast Mode

In previous years of this league, this would have been prime candidate for Doofy’s Disabled Duel, however not this year. Both previous winners of the Doof, Caj on multiple occasions this matchup was, to be honest, shite. Two bald men, scrapping it out like the Mitchell brothers brawling in the Queen Vic, it was pish to watch and even worse hearing about it, but this year it would appear that the tide of change is in full swing.

It would appear that Caj, the closet bald whom just couldn’t let go, currently sits 3-2 at the upper end of mediocrity in this league picking up Elliott and Hunt as RB1, and 2 respectively not to mention the child whooping AP and the enigma that is Jared Goff. They’ve been putting up points for the jailer. He’s even set up this game week with the concussion central Jordan Reed, whom with one more smack to the head will be a full-blown Harvey Price; he doesn’t care though, his reliance on Goff and those three RB’s to put points on the board, and for his oppositions to underperform is unequivocal.

Cabbage has had a stormer of a start, 4-1, 3rd in the table and all things going well until his defeat last week, some might think that his luck is up, wheels are off the wagon and that’s him goosed, I think time will tell although it has the air of mediocrity about it, just like his team. He was struck down early doors when his big name RB Bell couldn’t be hooped to turn up, instead opting to chill with his crew at home, although rumours are afoot that he may turn up in the Week 7 bye. If this happens there could be a slim portion of light at the end of the tunnel for Beast Mode but without it, he’ll continue to rely on the likes of Ebron, Ingram, and Cooks to post the numbers, watch that space…

Genuinely makes me sick at the thought, but Hail Cajy for the win and fuck my life!

Newcraighall Nukes Vs Samba’s Warriors

The systematically AWOL member of our league shoots out against the man who has no actual concept of ‘Touch’ rugby in this matchup. Oneski also happens to be top of the league having had a rip roaring start, averaging 127.88 points per game so far and, up until last week anyway, looked like to increase that average until the Saints met the Redskins, Ingram returned and they profoundly dismantled the redskins with all the flair of Mussy pumping Biggar in the cup. This did not play well into the faithful Saint’s fans hands as Kamara was rested with minimal touches and with even less fuss. Probably a good thing for wee Alvin, but not for Oneski, so he’ll be looking to bounce back in a big way this week. With glue hands Thomas, and his running points machine of Kamara on bye, wee JuJu and $9 Duke Johnson will pick up the baton in the hope of continuing to put up good numbers and with the torpedo arm of Mahomes calling the shots in a decent KC O-Line then he may well continue to do so.

Ape sits 9th, probably feeling sorry for himself at being 2-3 but nobody gives a shit. The man who’s “not allowed” to watch on a Sunday night continues his unreserved love affair with ‘Tidy Tom’ and really wishes that it was he, rather than Gisele to have his ass pounded by the deflated balls of Brady. He’d better hope to the Pats ball gods that Cooks is fit and that ‘Boaby’ Woods turns up to assist Gordon strapping his large, hairy backed AWOL mass to his back and carry him to the golden W, somehow I think not!

Samba’s Warriors for the W and to continue his obese points scoring haul!

A Bunch of Helmets Vs Bigger The Better

The two opposing figures of health and fitness, ‘Bigger The Better’; The ‘Kebab’ with legs full of saturated fat, sugar and all things bad for the body against ‘A Bunch of Helmets’; The ‘Adonis’, the white Mr Motivator with his careful diet, strict fitness regime and host of male and female parents soaking wet panties in ‘Belter town due to his good looks and intellectual charm. This matchup offers no such thing.

Kyzi, on paper your team is decent, big names who have done nothing to help your anxiety over fantasy football. You languish 1-4 after a promising start; you had it all to lose and so you have done with 3 loses on the bounce! Your team has scored well, just a shame that every other signatory of this league has also scored well against you. Your big names, Jones, Thielen, Kupp, and Barkley are good players; just seem to be not good enough. Just like you error in player management the other day, maybe they, like you have baby brain too? Who knows….. all I’ll say is you need a big week my friend.

Doigy, on the other hand is a more experienced hand at the old fathering. Daddy to Dom, and new feeding partner of Olivia the man already knows how to handle the late nights, the intermittent sleep patterns, and the daily balance of family life with managing morons, and that’s before he even looks at his class. Doigy’s team doesn’t look anything special, his mis-management of Caw didn’t hinder him too much last week, possibly because he knew that The Saints would demolish the Redskins? possibly not but he survived and got the W. His team on paper are nothing special but he’s scored points, just like Kyzi though, others have scored more! He’ll be hoping that Ridley, Crowell, and Evans see a lot of touches this week to possible get him to an even keel of 3-3 after 6 weeks? We shall see.

A tough one but A Bunch of Helmets for the victory, purely due to Bigger The Better’s player mis-management.

DeShaun of the Dead Vs Top Shaggers

The newbie against the elder, the scrawniest man against a colossus, this is David Vs Goliath in every way, shape, and form physically, however this is fantasy football, where dreams are made and shattered in the blink of a Jap’s Eye.

Wee Joshy, after being raped by Sheepy pretty much immediately after the draft after being preyed upon like a 7 year old school girl, and which is ultimately got him into his current position of 2nd bottom, sits 1-4, having scored a shocking poor amount of points looks to cull his losing streak here by taking the lanky and massive scalp of elder Jimbo. His team, to be honest, is lack lustre, however there are some twinkling lights in the form of Cam Newton, Jordan Howard, AJ Green and James White, however that’s a tall order to rely upon those four players to carry his team, especially when their respective offensive games haven’t been great of recent. He might have some luck with those stars this week, due to their respective matchups, however I feel that maybe bestowing as much hope onto him as Maddie McCann had on that fateful night in Portugal!

Elder Jimbo on the other hand will have a little skip in his step after his win last week, and will look to build on that this time around. He decided to take the helter-skelter rodeo ride that is Gronk in the draft. I’ve also been there, it is a Pablo Escobar, cocaine fuelled adventure of both intense pleasure and extreme pain that makes you want more and more and MORE! OBJ and Mixon might help bolster that ride with some magical points although Kirk Cousins may put him through the same fuelled ride as with Gronk. You just don’t know what you’ll get.

In my opinion, myth will not be repeated as wee Joshy (David) is in for a Goliath pumping (EDITORS NOTE: Jesus what a strained metaphor), Top Shaggers for the win.

Doofy’s Disabled Duel

Goulash Goons Vs Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers

The man with the Golden Chin versus a man who couldn’t pick his nose currently, I was always going to make this match the Disabled Duel.

Decs has a team so riddled that it puts a Leith prozzies underwear to shame. The man’s injury list is horrible and he’s had no luck. The champion from last year sits rock bottom to the foot of the table with 0-5. This week I hope to change that……

My team, on paper at least look half decent and can put up points. As those in this league will know, I’m not a cocky man, not by any stretch of the imagination however……

The Goons for the win!

Who Ya Got?! Week 5 Upside Down Edition Guest Blog

Who Ya Got?! Week 5 Upside Down Edition Guest Blog

Well thats 4 weeks of football already over. During these 4 weeks my RB1 has been under the knife, Cabbage appears to not be shite at fantasy football & Sheep has turned into an actual sausage roll. Fat wank. I put it to you like this. Once upon a time, fantasy was easy. Cabbage drafted defences in the first round. Decs drafted his favourite players round 1 & 2 regardless of quality. Ross never turned up and we shafted him. Games against Kyzie and Caj were wins. You were already setting your team for the next week and Davey had the blog post done before sunday night was over. It was like Mussie in the national leagues (dark times), you had those games that you just walked, your Livingston shite.
Enter 2018 also known as the upside down.
Declan has won. Chin has won. Caj & Cabbage are not Disabled Duel every week. Sheep is still fat, so its not completely different but you get the drift. Its Mussie in prem 2. No easy games, anyone can pump you rotten and drop 150 points all over your puss. In this weird and wonderful world Kyzi is still bad. But now he whines, and lets you know random stats on a Tuesday morning about why him? What has he done to deserve this? You will be asking that soon enough when it won’t sleep, refuses milk, and just keeps crying on and on and on……
Anyway games. Lets get this shit show on the road.

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Shooting By Arangement vs Hail Cajy

Clash tash based solely off the fact somebody is gonna be hurting. They thought they were onto something, 3 – 1. Fuck me I might be alright at this, results are going my way. 3-2 doesnt quite have that ring to it, reeks of being an average wanker. Both teams have no idea how they are where they are. Neither deserve to be where they are. This game will put somebody in their place.
We laughed and ill tell you what AP heard us. He found his whooping stick and went to town. 236 yds in 3 weeks, fresh off a bye week to rest those old man legs, he is 100% dropping another 100 yard game. Wonder if he has to wear y fronts cause he is the oldest player? Im willing to bet he wore them anyway just like Cookie well before it became a thing in MRFC. Cajs talent speaks for itself, Elliot, Hunt, Goff. Oooosh thats some lineup callum, how did you manage to do this? You bald fat bastard.
Speaking of bald fat bastards, DP is quietly doing just enough to stay afloat. This is the man that would do anything to win this league, there is nothing this man wouldnt do to have the dosser in his life. Which is why I take great pleasure in him failing to do so each year. And this year looks no different. Playoffs if lucky then bombs out in a fit of rage. Picks somebody as the sacrifical lamb to get booted out the league in the name of poor participation. standard stuff. I look at this team and see disapointment, just like my own. He does have his own angry old man at RB, nearly was so different….
Pains me to say it but Hail caj to win.

Top Shaggers vs Beast Mode

We are through the looking glass, Cabbage is 4 – 0 and sitting pretty. Bell continues to sit out but now with rumblings of a return in week 7. (Unlucky doigy you get to enjoy that one. It truly does only rain on your fantasy team ). Its even looking up for andy in actual real life unimportant football. Seahawks won at the weekend. I mean if cabbage was allowed out the house for more than 40 minutes at the time he might be living his best life. Unfortunately he is under house arrest, trapped in the house never to see daylight again. Must be spending all this new spare time by researching FF as he has it currently locked down, not a single week under 100 points. Bill the brain must be raging about trading Cooks, he is revving it up right now for Rams and Cab must be tugging it off to all those sheepy slim points. Matt Ryan is doing some serious lifting at QB with 3 games 30+ points wooooft. But after these 2 studs its hard to see any reliable points, Ebron? Collins? Auld Marvin….? Its not so strong stuff Andy.
Onto my car crash. Running backs continue to elude me. Blue where are you when i need you? Joe Mixon better come back with a bionic knee and ready to pound the rock cause i fucking need him. Lamar Miller is never off the pitch yet does nothing, im growing to really hate that man. Keenan Allen and OBJ are just not firing, im sure they will but ken….its week 4? Lets get the finger out. The captain is leading the charge for my team, great value draft by a great man who really does know how to make great fantasy football plays. it will work out, believe.
Top Shaggers. Fuck cabbage. Non participant in the WhatsApp on a Sunday kick the cunt out and give me the points.

Asked Madden vs Bigger the Better

Two Bourgeois meet. Two fantasy heavyweights colide. Be glad this is not literal as if they collided the planet would implode.
Sheepy you better start finding some RB points elsewhere because Bell is coming back and your going to be without your top man. Currently rolling with the bengals D who have delivered -1 points over the past 2 weeks. Against a decent Miami team. Interesting strategy can only assume thats some fantasy subreddit patter you are choring. Agholor at WR is weak Sheepy, but its the only weak link in your team right now. Can see why you are 3 – 1 you tubby wanker.
Chin, Cajy & Cabbage. The three cunts of the apocalypse are who have beaten Kyzi so far, honestly i want to say its been bad luck. But I’m not going to because that would be too nice, try harder kebab.
5 years ago this game was rigged against Kyzi. Asked Madden to Win.

Decatrons Dabbing Destroyers vs Newcraighall Nukes

Oh how the mighty have fallen, Declan once king is now 0 – 4 trash. Almost a shoe in for the doofy already, rumor is its already engraved and been posted off to his house already. Every single available person on Decatrons bench is DNP. His starting RB and QB? DNP. Chuck 2 more starting WR in with LP. This team is weaker than Rodgers bionic knee.
Everyones favorite Pats fan. Dalvin Cook cracking draft that was. Oh how I wanted Gordon in the draft, and oh how he showed me I should have paid top dollar. 30 points he dropped on me last week, lucky for Ape Lindsay and his crazy haircut have been producing to replace cook. So at RB its all looking good, big Rab is banging them in from goff. I quite like this side and against Decs it could honestly have Buchan at RB1 and I would still back it.
Newcraighall Nukes is going to walk this just as everyone will against Decs walking dead team.

Samba Warriors vs Bunch of Helmets

Mahomes must do that every time he chucks the ball. if he doesnt he should be. This game is by far going to be the top scorer these teams are machines and if both are not playoff bound something is wrong.
Rosscos team is a riding machine, finds its target pumps them and moves on. Kamara & Mahomes put up 64 points last week. Sandys whole squad scored 84….that is terrifying.
Doigy another man who enjoys dropping stats on how unlucky he is. Him and Kyzi have their own WhatsApp called “Whining Bitches”
Watson & Hopkins are killer. Landry & Ertz also letting it rain
Hard to call. A Bunch of Helmets

Doofys Disabled Duel

Goulash Goons vs Deshaun of the dead

Boring 2 – 2 wanker.

Deshaun of the Dead