Who Ya Got?! Week 1 Holdout Double Dragon Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week 1 Holdout Double Dragon Edition

We’re baaaaaaaaaaack! I like to think that every year that we return Doofy just mutes my twitter feed but that would also mean he follows me in the first place, so I guess I can dream. In an upcoming NFL season where we’re seeing not one but two NFL running backs hold out for bigger contracts we didn’t even let Wee Josh get to the point of a holdout. Not even remotely close. Pretty sure the final hadn’t even concluded and he had been stricken from the chat and we’ve moved over to Sleeper to erase any history of him from ever existing. We’re Wee Josh Deniers. It’s so hip right now.

As usual this season began with our customary auction draft and there was some mighty fine pickups. Kyzi, for example, hibernated his way through the entire draft like a slumbering bear only to wake up, slam his fist on the desk and come away with a squad of players. Meanwhile Caj paid the most attention I’ve ever seen from him and has (according to fantasypros) one of the best teams in the league. Maybe this is the year where being fat and bald finally pays off. Oh wait no my squad is absolutely helmet.

Honestly I’ve no idea how this season will play out. It was our most rambunctious auction ever with players flying off the board. The highest price point we saw was $5 less than the previous year but that did nothing to delay the stupid prices paid for completely average players. $10 for AJ Green?! $14 for Josh Gordon!? Holy shit $17 for Calvin Ridley?! And those were just me. So fuck my entire life here we go again.

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Samba’s Warriors vs Top Shaggers

This game was picked only by virtue of being apparently the closest one that Sleeper predicts. In the green corner we’ve got Jimmy on a 48% win chance. For the mathematically inclined among you that leaves OneSki with a 52% win chance. As you can see, tight as arse cheeks. Or at least on paper. In reality however Jim has managed to parlay his $200 budget into the sort of shopping spree that would make Dale Winton shit out his gerbils. Travis Kelce? Got him. What about Zach Ertz? Oh he’s here too. Okay… wait… Jimmy Graham? Why?! I wish Jim had picked up Tyler Eifert if only to have an “Island of Misfit Toys” motif to his fantasy team, but alas it wasn’t to be.

OneSki is sitting fairly pretty on a ground game comprised of Christian McAffrey and Mark Ingram. Not to be done with that though, he’s got Lamar Jackson in the mixer as well because why accumulate passing yards when Rushing Yards are where it is. I feel like Vince McMahon looking over this roster.

Except for rushing yards instead of abhorrent contracts for wrestlers. That rather unique diatribe aside I’m sure this roster will in no way come round to bite OneSki in the arse. Fool you fourteen times, shame on them right?

Jim on the other hand well, as described above, has more tight ends than CC Blooms. And whilst this points mean prizes approach may just pan out given his strengths elsewhere, long time readers of this blog (All 3 of you) will know we value running backs above all else and jesus wept Jim these are your worst crop yet. Sony Michel and Peyton Barber and then just a bunch of magicians illusions on the bench. I still think you’ll do okay. Pat Mahomes is there for you, as is Juju. But when Week 10 swings around? It’s the danger zone for you young man.

Can’t see past Samba’s Warriors here

Shooting By Arrangement vs BELLEND

Bell end by nature and finally bell end by name. Caj was like a tsunami this year except he swept up a bunch of African American NFL players and zero tiny Asian people. Meanwhile I panicked my way into an early grave and perhaps the least thin on the ground WR core since Caj’s 2010 hairline. I maintain my team is fixable but technically the twin towers were fixable. They just had to be destroyed and rebuilt and maybe that’s what these boys need. Not too sure.

Caj has a team consisting of Saquon Barkley and Leonard Fournette and anything else I said at this point would merely be the gold leaf atop the already glistening bar of solid fuck that Caj has laid at my feet for Week 1. I can only take solace in the fact that even the slightest injury to any of his starters leaves him bereft of options. He has all the depth of a drained bath. Sure a toddler can still drown in it, but they’d be hard pushed!

Speaking of drained, we’ve got my team. A shit show for certain including the drafting of $3 Tom Brady which may be up there with my worst draft day decisions. Thanks to Ape for not bailing me out with this one I guess I’m now stuck with him seeing as our waiver wire is barren. At running back we’ve got Alvin Kamara and Tony Pollard who I’m pretty sure teaches P3 at a Private school. Rounding off this roster is the “Will They, Wont They?” romance of Damien Williams and David Montgomery. What will their coaches do with them? Fucked if I know!

You know what? You’ve gotta have some faith in this game. Shooting by Arrangement for a Week 1 W.

Sponsored by Lambeau vs Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers

Thanks to the fact that Chin & Cabbage have kept their respective team names as Team 7 and Team 10 we have here the matchup of the two worst team names in the league. MT has replaced that unsavory paedophile magnet Wee Josh in order to bring some sanity and stability whereas Decs has done his best to destroy any sanity and stability that we’ve had including some fantastic nepotism in recruiting his apparently mute brother.

As much as I want to tear arse at MT’s team he’s got a few good ones in here. Despite that he’s projected to lose with a 40% chance of success predicted. Aaron Jones and Joe Mixon are his two starting RB’s and we’ve got Antonio Brown and Rab Woods as his WR’s. The way I see this MT showed up to the draft looking for some spinach and some chicken breasts and left with a lilo and a picture frame. Sure they’re useful, but not what he wanted. Nevermind Sponsored by Lambeau, we’ve got Sponsored by Lidl.

Meanwhile back as always to continue his retarded flailing on this league we have Decs. He, once again, went for his 2017 strategy of bid as much as possible in the first 5 minutes then have a small nap jsut in time to return for the $1 players. There are theatre audiences who sat and were louder than Decs during the draft. David Johnson and Chris Carson I struggle to believe in but DeVante Adams and Julio Jones? That’s absolutely filthy. At some point this year that combination will combine for a score that Decs can’t even read aloud.

Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers to pop the lilo and throw out the spare kettle.

A Bunch of Helmets vs Bigger the Better

The state educator vs the state. Both teams feature some firepower and I reckon this’ll be hard to seperate. Kyzi’s narcolepsy at the draft didn’t stop him from having more than a few boys I’m jealous of. Meanwhile Doigy has a team of boys ready to go including LeSean McCoy a man shockingly younger than his fantasy owner.

This years bumper crop of helmets features one of the leagues best nicknames in Kerryon Luggage and that alone leads me to believe it’s going to go far. Wait? Whats that?! He got George “Put on the” Kittle as well? Well fuck it, he’s got this league sown up. No point in anyone else even showing up. Couple of white lads in there surrounded by his chocolate magic? This will be the only blog of the year.

His opponent? The creature from the Black Lagoon. Which is anywhere across that disgusting new bridge. In spite of being awoken from his slumber like a lion head made of sand in Aladdin, Kyzi has done quite well for himself. The ironically named Nick Chubb and injury prone Dalvin Cook leading his rushing attack. Michael Thomas in at WR and… yeah honestly this team is just a straight line on an ECG. I can’t make fun of it nor can I applaud it. If I could put a singular team in the Doofy Duel every week it would be this one regardless of opponent.

A Bunch of Helmets show this boy back to the special education section.

Asked Madden vs Newcraighall Nukes

It’s a terrifying state of affairs when I realistically have to consider Ape as being a league stalwart. But he’s been here year on year, always moving in silence unless there’s even so much as a whiff of gambling. Meanwhile his opponent is a man completely incapable of moving in silence. If it’s not for the wheezing from his undoubtedly struggling for breath or the lapping of the waves as his sweaty skin rubs against itself he’ll no doubt announce his presence seconds later with “I ACTUALLY HAVE A GURLEY JERSEY” We are, of course, talking about Sheep.

In addition to his Gurley pick he’s managed to nab Josh Jacobs. He has to be a brilliant player, uncatchable I imagine, side steps boys at will. I’ve put this together based on the fact he apparently can’t even be caught on camera as the Hard Knocks crew never managed to land one on him at any point. Mike Evans here? Check. Stefon Diggs? Check. I mean it’s a good team. It’s got everything I’d look for in a team except it’s being managed by a man who’s hiveminded by Reddit. If we set FantasyPros to automanage a team this is what we’d end up with.

Ape on the other hand has Melvin Gordon luxuriating on his bench, blissfully unaware he could have him in the IR spot and pick up another player. He also doesn’t have Tom Brady. How wild is that when the most notable thing I can find to discuss about your roster is your LACK of a certain player? There’s something to be said about this league when a man with a mysterious disease that eats his fingernails from the core out is our white supremacist. He’s not an anything supremacist.

Newcraighall Nukes to win. I know, controversial, but a sheep couldn’t fight a gorilla. Think about it.

Doofys Disabled Duel

Team 7 vs Team 10

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