Who Ya Got?! Week Nine: ADHD Edition

Who Ya Got?! Week Nine: ADHD Edition

If this league was a political party it’s manifesto would consist entirely of episiotomies and higher taxes. That’s how completely unpopular it is. I’m desperately trying to evict people and fill the holes and I’d have an easier appointment clearing out a Greenfell Tower effigy. Which, ironically, higher taxes would’ve at least helped prevent. But I digress. There’s 7 Weeks left in the entire fantasy season and I think, for the first time, I can’t wait for this fucking shit show to be over. We’ve thus far avoided a Something-Gate but it’s about time we landed on one. I just don’t know what it’ll be first. Josh’s undiagnosed Bulimia-Gate? Sheep lying underneath Josh as he vomits and swallows it up like a fat, force-fed, faux gras goose….gate? More than likely it’ll be the first time that belt goes to some careless bastard who breaks it into a thousand bits.

Also seeing as everyone has thus far forgot to do it in their blog lets take a look at how we got on last week!

Oh wait, four-oh-fucking-four image not found because the human white chocolate easter egg Caj didn’t bother his arse to do it. It’s my genuine hope that they discover you’re a hermaphrodite and you end up with your horrible uterus utterly riddled with fibroid polyps.  Lets just take a guess and say he got them all completely wrong. Take yourself down to the shed and ram some asbestos down your gizzard. It’ll be both the first time you’ve seen a gym and the first asbestos death of 2018. What a fine cause for celebration.

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Samba’s Warriors vs Asked Madden

This matchup is a strange conundrum. See, on the one hand, you’ve got a man who lifts so many weights it’s almost suspect how he manages it. Yet on the other hand you’ve got a man who packs on so much weight it’s no question how he manages it. The real question is could OneSki lift Sheep? The immovable object meets the unstoppable force. Both in real life and fantasy terms.

After an early season trade which rocked the league to no end, OneSki has gone from strength to strength even posting a 170+ point run on his last outing. His players continue their unique brand of arse punishment and it’s horrendous to watch him slowly cram his square peg into all of our round holes. You could’ve landed a quadruple AA battery powered drone into mine by the time he was finished. My screams of “No!” only served to encourage him. He’s the only member of our league who still plays American football as well, so the entire time he savaged me he wore eye black. He looked like an MRFC housewife after she burns her husbands dinner.

There’s only so many ways I can reference just how rotund this person is. He’s denser than Betelguese and roughly as bright. It’s actually quite difficult in the 5th year of this league to continually find new ways to call Sheepy gigantic. But one thing I do know is that his honeymoon would’ve been better served in Thailand had I known how much he likes to touch up underagers. Poor Joshy and all his 3 stone frame was completely manhandled at the start of the year by Fatty Kreuger and it’s been all up for him ever since. We shouldn’t stand for this. Not that he could. The fat bastard.

Samba’s Warriors to do the filthy all over Professor Klump.

Shooting By Arrangement vs Newcraighall Nukes

Well isn’t this wild. A man having a mid life crisis in his late 20’s and a man slipping blissfully into the imitation of consciousness that is Musselburgh suburban life. Although if you did tell me Ape was actually in a constant coma I’d 100% buy it. I cannot remember the last meaningful conversation I had with him. Meanwhile I continue my attempt to ostracize anyone and everyone I’ve ever known. Which, hopefully, this blog ticks off another 11 people.

Firstly, me. $62. That’s how many Sheepy Draft Bux I’ve lost to the IR this season. Including Devonta Freeman who got me 6.2 points before being shuffled immediately off the roster. Impressive stuff. But who can complain when you’ve got Todd Gurley. What a fantasy cheat code. When people wonder how Decs managed to win this last year just remember this. This player is fantasy filth. This is like one of those PornHub ads that’s like “LEARN HOW TO GET A MONSTER COCK” except, instead of giving your computer HIV, this is actually just an ad from a misunderstood scientist. It should probably tell you how my fantasy season is going that I’m telling you all about one player. I live and die by Todd Gurleys continued success. Also attempt I make to trade with players in this league goes like this –

Then we’ve got Ape who’s pointlessness is legendary. Why would anyone even bother approaching this man for a trade or even so much as a conversation about fantasy football? He shows up when he wins but only to throw out some useless conversation about something poorly researched. Outside of either loneliness or an attempt to stave off a suicide attempt I can’t see why this mans in not one but two leagues? Why continue to do something that disinterests you so much? The only thing I think that can continue to bring you any source of entertainment is the fact that Halloween in your life appears to be year round. It’s the only explanation for why you’re constantly busy doing the job of an 18 year old intern and always seem to be dressed as a clown.

Newcraighall Nukes to dish out his unique brand of humourless joy.

A Bunch of Helmets vs Deshaun of the dead

I’ll tell you what, how this wasn’t the Doofy Duel is beyond me because who gives a solid fuck about either of these teams? I sincerely hope Joshy loses cause at least then we won’t hear fuck all. If Doigy loses we’ll be subject to five weeks of statistical analysis on why he should have actually won this league five years on the trot. Meanwhile Joshy is still desperately trying to blu-tac a Hear’Say poster to his wall. It’s actually a waste of processing power to even calculate the scores for this game, that’s how little anyone cares.

Doigy’s unique draft strategy has given his team a very unique flavour this year. In that I’ve never seen teams manage to lose quite so savagely with quite such alarming regularity. It wouldn’t susprise me if he loses this one by 0.12 points or something else vaguely astonishing.  His real life team’s comparison, Eli Manning, is heading up his side this week and I can’t imagine quite what amount of the old jazz cabbage Doigy had been smoking to make this selection. Then again the waiver wire is desolate. I still reckon it’s a safer bet that Sam Darnold shits more points than Manning this week. Quite what I’m willing to put on that? Nothing. But a loss here would push Doigy ever closer to that horrible Doofy position and I’m just jealous of a man with a far more robust mental state than I, in spite of his rapidly advancing years.

Then there’s this…… thing. He looks like a stretched out Gollum in a wig. Wee Josh is what I imagine would be created with a pritt stick and a years worth of spare synagogue foreskins. You could add 225 grams of salt instead of 225 grams of sugar to a sponge cake and it would still make me feel less sick than Wee Joshs’ addition to this league. It’s the worst choice I’ve ever made. He’s the drink I put down, went to the toilet, came back, drank, and got subsequently college frat house gang raped. I suppose his teams not bad. Although between the aforementioned and running his team? I dunno which is preferable.

A Bunch of Helmets to be lead to the promised land by saviour Eli Manning & the New York Football Giants.

Bigger the Better vs Top Shaggers

The Dad Clash. It actually brings me a lot of joy to have so many fathers in this league. To go from zero to four is a great step up in my approximation. This pair of dicks though. Christ they’re the sort of dads you’d pick up in Lidl. And not the bakery, oh no. This is the middle section. With thermal socks and fucking wipe free whiteboards. I reckon we should just throw caution to the wind and make their children fight. See who picks up the W. Money on Jimbo’s kid it’s got about 40lbs on Kyzi’s (Surprisingly)

Kyzi long ago forgot which pierced ear was the gay side so to avoid any confusion he got both pierced and, depending on what side of his face you look at, he’s either an absolute flamer or just a bit of a weirdo. He’s applied that latent homosexuality to his team where he’s fawned over the RB1 and WR1 of his oh-so-precious Atlanta Falcons. I can imagine no wasteland more desolate than the living room of Kyz after he watches his fantasy team and his real life team lose in one fell swoop, pardon the pun. The only thing I can picture being so empty and devoid of matter is his average weeknight fridge after he goes through it like a train. I am willing to bet that child gets precisely 20% of the milk. Meanwhile he’s latching on for dear life.

Big Jim eh. If Kyz is the one latching here’s the big tit. The Wolf of Stoneyhill has successfully parlayed his friends money into precisely zero bitcoin and has thus far managed to mislead them in a fashion reminiscient of a Tony Blair Middle East intervention scheme. Unlike old Teflon Tony however we don’t forget. Big Jim handed the first W of the year to a man who is his lesser in every imagineable way apart from pubic hair length. What do you need more? 8 full hours of sleep or a fantasy W? I’d think on that for future reference. Can’t be long you’ve got left to use TJ Yeldon now? If you’re reading this and he’s trying to flip you him, just ignore. That’s my best advice yet.

Bigger the Better to get that new dad sleep interrupted by the braying from Jimbo’s defeated fantasy side.

Goulash Goons vs Beast Mode

Another game that could’ve been the Doofy Duel were it not for both these teams blindly bumbling their way into a winning record. I’ve no idea how they’re done this, honestly. To be clear Cabbage spent over $60 of his hard earned Sheepy Draft Bux on Le’Veon Bell who has so far done fuck all and he’s still 6-3. As for Goulash his undiagnosed downs syndrome should be preventing him doing a thing.

A Goon, as I’ve come to know in Canada, is a term in hockey for tough players who would fight on the regular. There’s a hint of irony that this be the chosen rebrand for Goulash given than he wilted quicker than a flower in the fridge after being called a cunt by Sheep. For what it’s worth we all didn’t chip in with our 2 cents because it had been summed up so succinctly. Bristols loss is truly Musselburghs game. How are you psuhing for that final play off spot? I’m shocked you don’t have vertigo. What can I say about your team…. well you’ve recently dropped Corey Clement for Wendell Smallwood so only two more Eagles backs to go and you’ve got the full set. I look forward to you selling your body for the money for Shiny Jay Ajayi.

Then we’ve got the kid from Powder. A man who’s one Kinder Egg away from a coma. Clutching onto that 4th place spot like he’s clutching a vial of life giving insulin. I’ve never seen anyone inject themselves so much yet remain so utterly miserable. At least the people I lived near on Leith had a whale of a time. Meanwhile you just see off a can of Red Bull and turn red in the face. I think this is the highest I’ve ever seen Cabbage ride in this league and by fuck is it going to come crashing down. He lost to me and I’m essentially useless so just try and picture how fragile this team is. It’s apt a team this fragile is attached to a man so fragile. Cabbage is one 100 shellacking away a bed and breakfast weekend in Carstairs.

Beast Mode to drop his horrid, unshaven scrotum like a filthy pancake all over the Goulashs face.

Doofys Disabled Duel

Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers vs Hail cajy

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