Who Ya Got?! Week 6: Mortal Madrid, The Goons Edition Guest Blog

Who Ya Got?! Week 6: Mortal Madrid, The Goons Edition Guest Blog

Firstly I’ll apologise now for a) the lack of chat lads over game week 5, and b) the state in which this edition may end up in due to me being absolutely mortally wankered for 3 days on the bounce with maybe 7 hours sleep in between! My basic motor neuron skills are about as advanced as Stephen Hawkings was towards to the end of his life yet even so, I still managed more chat than Ape (maybe)!!

So week 5 of football has come and gone, and for one solitary soul in this league, Decs, the horrible, sleazy, snaky image of the Doof’s eyes are potentially nearing ever closer. There’s a lot to play for so let’s have a glimpse at the week 6 ‘Bye Week Bonanza’.

Bobby Nelsons Tash Clash Game of the Week

Shooting by Arrangement Vs Asked Madden

I’ve chosen this week’s Tash Clash based upon two simple and straight forward points; proximity to Mussy and then physical size! If Davie wins, he’s too far away to have a disgusting image of himself posing with the belt undoubtedly tickling his beard, or resting it over his cock and ginger pubes, banded around the chat like a Brett Favre’s cock was after sending it to that slutty reporter. Today is coincidently Favre’s Birthday, Happy birthday Shagger! I digress…. Then there’s Sheepy, whose enormous whale mass of a body, in proportion to the belt, will be unable to squeeze into that cheap, cheap clasp of magical, victorious wonder! Just let those images settle in for a second ………

Shooting by Arrangement, on a 3 game winning streak and currently nestled in the final playoff spot with a 4-1 record so far, and all I’ll say is goodness knows how! His long lost Da must have been a leprechaun with the luck he’s had; 3rd lowest scoring team in this league and has the fewest points against shows that he’s cursed everyone’s team into shitting the bed whilst he rolls around in the excrement lapping it up during his matchups. I mean don’t get me wrong, he’s been savvy with it, Gurley carrying him all the way, and Beast Mode turning up with some decent stats has helped. He now has Brady’s go-to ‘fuck buddy’ in Edelman back amongst it after his 4 game non-recognisable substance abuse suspension so I expect his team to put up points, even with the interception machine that is Bortles starting!

Asked Madden on the other hand has done things the rapey way some might say, pumping boys anuses for fun by putting up BIG points averaging 127.664 points per game over the first 5 weeks, whilst his oppositions have had their trousers at their ankles like wee Joshy in Hive. It’s disgraceful!! His big name RB1 DJ has yet to fully show up this year but Sheepy has not let that hindrance him, as he’s used the likes of Hyde, Kelce and Conner, not to mention Diggs to rocket his large carcass up to 2nd in the table without even really breaking sweat! As it currently stands, he seems to be inserting players into his team at the right time, somewhat like inserting your cock at the right time of the month to guarantee that you’ll get your missus preggers, I mean, you just can’t sell that shit.

Shooting by Arrangement for the win as I reckon your leprechaun curse will endeavour to strike again!

Hail Cajy Vs Beast Mode

In previous years of this league, this would have been prime candidate for Doofy’s Disabled Duel, however not this year. Both previous winners of the Doof, Caj on multiple occasions this matchup was, to be honest, shite. Two bald men, scrapping it out like the Mitchell brothers brawling in the Queen Vic, it was pish to watch and even worse hearing about it, but this year it would appear that the tide of change is in full swing.

It would appear that Caj, the closet bald whom just couldn’t let go, currently sits 3-2 at the upper end of mediocrity in this league picking up Elliott and Hunt as RB1, and 2 respectively not to mention the child whooping AP and the enigma that is Jared Goff. They’ve been putting up points for the jailer. He’s even set up this game week with the concussion central Jordan Reed, whom with one more smack to the head will be a full-blown Harvey Price; he doesn’t care though, his reliance on Goff and those three RB’s to put points on the board, and for his oppositions to underperform is unequivocal.

Cabbage has had a stormer of a start, 4-1, 3rd in the table and all things going well until his defeat last week, some might think that his luck is up, wheels are off the wagon and that’s him goosed, I think time will tell although it has the air of mediocrity about it, just like his team. He was struck down early doors when his big name RB Bell couldn’t be hooped to turn up, instead opting to chill with his crew at home, although rumours are afoot that he may turn up in the Week 7 bye. If this happens there could be a slim portion of light at the end of the tunnel for Beast Mode but without it, he’ll continue to rely on the likes of Ebron, Ingram, and Cooks to post the numbers, watch that space…

Genuinely makes me sick at the thought, but Hail Cajy for the win and fuck my life!

Newcraighall Nukes Vs Samba’s Warriors

The systematically AWOL member of our league shoots out against the man who has no actual concept of ‘Touch’ rugby in this matchup. Oneski also happens to be top of the league having had a rip roaring start, averaging 127.88 points per game so far and, up until last week anyway, looked like to increase that average until the Saints met the Redskins, Ingram returned and they profoundly dismantled the redskins with all the flair of Mussy pumping Biggar in the cup. This did not play well into the faithful Saint’s fans hands as Kamara was rested with minimal touches and with even less fuss. Probably a good thing for wee Alvin, but not for Oneski, so he’ll be looking to bounce back in a big way this week. With glue hands Thomas, and his running points machine of Kamara on bye, wee JuJu and $9 Duke Johnson will pick up the baton in the hope of continuing to put up good numbers and with the torpedo arm of Mahomes calling the shots in a decent KC O-Line then he may well continue to do so.

Ape sits 9th, probably feeling sorry for himself at being 2-3 but nobody gives a shit. The man who’s “not allowed” to watch on a Sunday night continues his unreserved love affair with ‘Tidy Tom’ and really wishes that it was he, rather than Gisele to have his ass pounded by the deflated balls of Brady. He’d better hope to the Pats ball gods that Cooks is fit and that ‘Boaby’ Woods turns up to assist Gordon strapping his large, hairy backed AWOL mass to his back and carry him to the golden W, somehow I think not!

Samba’s Warriors for the W and to continue his obese points scoring haul!

A Bunch of Helmets Vs Bigger The Better

The two opposing figures of health and fitness, ‘Bigger The Better’; The ‘Kebab’ with legs full of saturated fat, sugar and all things bad for the body against ‘A Bunch of Helmets’; The ‘Adonis’, the white Mr Motivator with his careful diet, strict fitness regime and host of male and female parents soaking wet panties in ‘Belter town due to his good looks and intellectual charm. This matchup offers no such thing.

Kyzi, on paper your team is decent, big names who have done nothing to help your anxiety over fantasy football. You languish 1-4 after a promising start; you had it all to lose and so you have done with 3 loses on the bounce! Your team has scored well, just a shame that every other signatory of this league has also scored well against you. Your big names, Jones, Thielen, Kupp, and Barkley are good players; just seem to be not good enough. Just like you error in player management the other day, maybe they, like you have baby brain too? Who knows….. all I’ll say is you need a big week my friend.

Doigy, on the other hand is a more experienced hand at the old fathering. Daddy to Dom, and new feeding partner of Olivia the man already knows how to handle the late nights, the intermittent sleep patterns, and the daily balance of family life with managing morons, and that’s before he even looks at his class. Doigy’s team doesn’t look anything special, his mis-management of Caw didn’t hinder him too much last week, possibly because he knew that The Saints would demolish the Redskins? possibly not but he survived and got the W. His team on paper are nothing special but he’s scored points, just like Kyzi though, others have scored more! He’ll be hoping that Ridley, Crowell, and Evans see a lot of touches this week to possible get him to an even keel of 3-3 after 6 weeks? We shall see.

A tough one but A Bunch of Helmets for the victory, purely due to Bigger The Better’s player mis-management.

DeShaun of the Dead Vs Top Shaggers

The newbie against the elder, the scrawniest man against a colossus, this is David Vs Goliath in every way, shape, and form physically, however this is fantasy football, where dreams are made and shattered in the blink of a Jap’s Eye.

Wee Joshy, after being raped by Sheepy pretty much immediately after the draft after being preyed upon like a 7 year old school girl, and which is ultimately got him into his current position of 2nd bottom, sits 1-4, having scored a shocking poor amount of points looks to cull his losing streak here by taking the lanky and massive scalp of elder Jimbo. His team, to be honest, is lack lustre, however there are some twinkling lights in the form of Cam Newton, Jordan Howard, AJ Green and James White, however that’s a tall order to rely upon those four players to carry his team, especially when their respective offensive games haven’t been great of recent. He might have some luck with those stars this week, due to their respective matchups, however I feel that maybe bestowing as much hope onto him as Maddie McCann had on that fateful night in Portugal!

Elder Jimbo on the other hand will have a little skip in his step after his win last week, and will look to build on that this time around. He decided to take the helter-skelter rodeo ride that is Gronk in the draft. I’ve also been there, it is a Pablo Escobar, cocaine fuelled adventure of both intense pleasure and extreme pain that makes you want more and more and MORE! OBJ and Mixon might help bolster that ride with some magical points although Kirk Cousins may put him through the same fuelled ride as with Gronk. You just don’t know what you’ll get.

In my opinion, myth will not be repeated as wee Joshy (David) is in for a Goliath pumping (EDITORS NOTE: Jesus what a strained metaphor), Top Shaggers for the win.

Doofy’s Disabled Duel

Goulash Goons Vs Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers

The man with the Golden Chin versus a man who couldn’t pick his nose currently, I was always going to make this match the Disabled Duel.

Decs has a team so riddled that it puts a Leith prozzies underwear to shame. The man’s injury list is horrible and he’s had no luck. The champion from last year sits rock bottom to the foot of the table with 0-5. This week I hope to change that……

My team, on paper at least look half decent and can put up points. As those in this league will know, I’m not a cocky man, not by any stretch of the imagination however……

The Goons for the win!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *