Week 5 Power Rankings: People’s Front of Judea Edition

Week 5 Power Rankings: People’s Front of Judea Edition

Through 4 weeks, Ben Roethlisberger leads the league in passing yards Patrick Mahomes leads in passing TD’s and Ezekiel Elliot leads in rushing yards. But even more unbelievable than that Cabbage and Caj are in the top 33% of the league. I wouldn’t be more surprised if I’d woken up with my head stitched to the carpet. This repulsive pair are sitting here through no fault of anyone elses. They’re actually doing this themselves. No more assisted living for Caj. Oh no, his wheelchair bound jam brain doesn’t need any help. Him and old bald Lieutenant Dan are here to do damage

As if you need any more sugar you hyperactive fucker. At least feed it to Cooper so we can rid ourselves of his bullshit.

1st Place – Samba’s Warriors – 4-0

I actually had to check the first ever blog (Which can be found over here) as a kind of throwback to the last time OneSki was so high flying. It makes for some horrid reading. Let’s have a look shall we?

He spent the first 12 games effortlessly pishing this league on something like a 9 or 10 game winning streak before it all came fucking CRASHING down quicker than a set of terrorist attacked towers. His team has recently crumbled like a crisp packet on a cooker to the most minor of challenges under the weight of Andrew Lucks incompetence and OneYoung suddenly unable to pick a starting 9 to get him much, whilst week in and week out his bench is a goddamn festival of points. From his draft auld OneSki is starting 4 of his initially drafted fifteen, for a net victory over Jimbo. Nice draft Kyzi  OneYoung.

Well one things for sure, I’ve not gotten any funnier. But has OneSki got over his win streak jitters?

2nd Place – Beast mode – 4-0

Here he is. The master draftsman. I’d love to be annoyed at him being 2nd cause I despise the cunt. I abhor the idea of him winning this league and his beaming big grin looking through the cup like a big disabled aquarium fish. But the fact of the matter is he’s like a son I’ve raised. I’ve watched him turn up to a draft with his cock in his hand and select the Seattle Seahawks defense. I’ve seen him select Dante Rosario. I’ve seen him select Teddy Bridgewater the year he shredded his knee to smithereens. What I’m saying is I’m watching him evolve. And it’s great.

3rd Place – Asked Madden – 3-1

Here he is. The human parade float. I can’t wait to cram a mini section on your back whilst the crowds of Musselburgh throw coins at your face. You massive buffoon. But nevertheless you are 3rd and have picked up win after win in spite of your arguably vulgar draft. Not to worry though because your wasted money on Doug Baldwin and David Johnson is being rewarded by an eager Joshy. I swear at this rate Joshy is going to grow to 45 stone with the amount of your ejaculate he’s gargling back.

4th Place – Hail cajy – 3-1

Pahahahaha what?! There’s no way this can be true. I’ve reported this as a bug on the fantasy football app so far six times and they keep telling me it’s correct but 20th times the charm. I’ve no idea how he’s done this because it’s not good management and it’s not a good draft. Unless… the year Kyzi draft for OneSki he made the playoffs and the year we draft for Caj he’s 4th? Interesting. Basically Caj every morning I wake up hoping you’ve died in your sleep and every morning you disappoint me.

5th Place – Shooting by Arrangement – 3-1

Take it you vulgar sluts. 3rd lowest points scored overall? Bothered my arse, can’t be taken down. I always was and always will be bullet proof. You can’t stop me. Truthfully I dunno how I’m managing this. I just turn up, put on the best performance I can and everyone leaves satisfied. With the exception of the losing party but who gives a shit about them.  This can’t continue and I somewhat doubt this is a playoff bound roster. But I’m still gonna ride the life out of till it’s downstairs looks like OneDex’s toothless mouth.

6th Place – Goulash Goons – 2-2

The Golden Chin. Resolved to sixth place yet again. I mean he’s won this league. The minute I win this league you can forget any effort on my part I’m going to sleep in a box of straw like a dying homeless man. You won’t find my body till the dogs have had their fill. Someone else will have to run it. And it shouldn’t be this cunt he couldn’t run a fucking bath.

7th Place – Bigger the Better – 1-3

Oh Blob-A-Blob. I feel really sorry for Kyz. He puts up his weight in KG’s in points every week and yet can’t catch a break. He’s 1-3 and by no fault of his own. He picks the right players, he just comes across boys on a hot streak. The problem is that’s the way this shit works so unlucky tubby but chin up it’s not as if your life is about to get incredibly difficult any time soon so I look forward to your sleep deprived decision making. I’m sure Montee Ball is still on the waivers.

8th Place – A Bunch Of Helmets – 1-3

See above, replace fat jokes with salad jokes. Life is already doubly as difficult as Kyzis as well so that really doesn’t play. Playoff team last year, no hoper this year. I look forward to him pumping me but aye that’s about it really. Still a useless ride into the bargain. Also has recently taken home the fantasy belt to someone incredibly unimpressed so you better believe he’s eating so much pussy he’s shitting clits.

9th Place – Newcraighall Nukes  – 1-3

Speaking of useless rides! This fat bastard is this years expulsion target. I’d love to fire him out of a cannon into some other country but I’m afraid there’s no product big enough. I’d have to sneak into America and steal one of their guns that shoot Pakistani 12 year olds from 800 miles away. But he won his first game at the weekend with, what I believe, is the leagues top score this year? So congratulations are in order.

10th Place – Top Shaggers – 1-3

This is a big fall. This man has only been GIF’ed once in this leagues history and he’s in danger of repeating the feat if his current trend of being pumped by five billion points continues. It shouldn’t. He has a good team. But he also has injury prone Gronk again this year so then again he may go down in flames. Owning Gronk is a big like owning a terminally ill dog. Everyone knows you should just bite the bullet and crush up forty paracetamol into his pedigree chum but you just can’t let go yet.

11th Place –  Deshaun of the dead – 1-3

One and three. It’s an odd position for Joshy to be in because if you add those numbers together you get his BMI. His teams awful. Like actually awful. Joshy resembled Greece in the draft. We all watched, the assembled EU and did nothing to bail him out as he spiralled into debt. Three tight ends later and two QB’s and we still did nothing. You are our great failure Joshy. Well some of us. Jimbo was pro-brexit so he doesn’t count.

12th Place – Decatron’s Dabbing Destroyers – 0-4

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